What You Allow

What you allow is what will continue

Having a doormat is good. Being one? Not so good.

In my opinion, you can throw every other motivational quote in this world’s history out of the window if you choose to embrace the epicness of the following quote:

What you allow is what will continue.” -Unknown

If you think about it, what in the world could possibly be more motivational and empowering than knowing that we are always in complete control of what we allow into our lives?

I’ll even take it a step further.

I believe that if we remember this quote and live the truth in this quote on a daily basis, our lives and our world would become more positive in an instant.

But let’s be real.

Lots of people know that quote is true, but they keep allowing the same crap to flow into their lives anyway. Predictably, what will continue to faithfully show up in their lives is more of the crap that they’re trying to avoid.

Maybe you’re one of those people.

I know that I used to be. Actually, in many areas of my life, I still am that person.

I want this post to serve as your wake-up call. Scratch that, OUR wake-up call.

We’re in this together.

Effective immediately, it is time for you, me, and anyone else who is reading these words to become more mindful of what we allow into our lives.

This is too important to wait a moment longer.

What You Allow Is What Will Continue: Victor’s Story

We teach others how to treat us.” -Unknown

Remember the above quote as I tell you the following sad, but very true story (Author’s note: yes, the names have been changed).

I’m friends with a guy named Victor whose wife Felicia is brazenly cheating on him with a guy named Terrence, who she happens to work with.

Make no mistake, I’m talking about brazenly cheating.

Felicia doesn’t seem to care if Victor, or anyone else for that matter, finds out about their affair. I’ve actually spotted Felicia and Terrence together on numerous occasions. It’s pretty disturbing, to be honest.

Surprising to no one, this has obviously caused a great deal emotional pain for Victor. On numerous occasions, he has come to me in tears wondering aloud how he has failed as a husband and as a man.

To give a little back-story here, Victor is your prototypical nice guy. He has a huge heart, he is always thinking about how he can help others in any way possible, and he consistently treats everyone he meets with kindness, dignity, and respect.

Not that it matters, but he’s also a great-looking guy too. If you hung out with him for a little bit and saw how genuinely nice he is and how good-looking he is, you would think that Felicia is absolutely insane for treating him like this.

Even though all of this is true, Felicia still keeps cheating on him.

To make matter worse, this is the second time where Victor has caught his wife with her “hand in the cookie jar,” so to speak.

The first affair happened a few years ago, and immediately afterward, she begged and pleaded for him to take her back and she promised that it would never happen again.

Victor took her back less than one week after he busted her in bed with another guy.

Three years later, here we are again. Different guy, but the exact same story.

You probably know where I’m going with this, and you’d be right.

Victor has taught Felicia how treat him.

Or worded differently: because Victor is allowing it, Felicia will continue to have her affairs.

Oversimplification? No.

Harsh? Maybe.

True? Definitely.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying that Victor is at fault in any way, shape, or form for his wife’s affair. Obviously, Felicia has some serious moral issues, but I don’t care about her silly ass. She’s not even worth the effort that it’s taking for me to type her name.

I care about my friend.

And as Victor’s friend, I can say without any doubt that he is allowing this behavior to continue.

What Do You Allow?

Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do to help Victor these days. That’s why this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

Not yet, anyway.

Victor discovered his wife’s affair close to a year ago. Since then he has lost an unhealthy amount of weight, he has lost his joyful spirit, and worst of all, he’s lost his self-respect.

Instead of taking any meaningful action to regain those things, he has done nothing but complain nonstop to anyone who will listen, while sending anonymous hateful emails to Terrence and continuing to spy on Felicia.

It’s sad to see what he has become.

I don’t see him much these days, but when I do see him he tells me that he feels like Felicia is going to come to her senses and see the error of her ways any day now.

You don’t even know this woman, but based on what you’ve read so far, how likely do you think that is?

I know it’s hard for him. I know that he loves Felicia. But it’s also clear that the love isn’t reciprocated. She’s taking advantage of his kind and loving nature because he’s allowing her to do so. She even smugly told him once that she knows that he’ll never leave her.

Sadly, I think that she’s right.

But let’s move on from his story for a moment and talk about you.

Be real with me. Is Victor’s story unique or can you relate to it in some way?

What crappiness are you allowing to continue in your life?

  • Are you allowing your significant other to treat you like a second-class citizen in your own home?
  • Is one of your “friends” (I’m using that term loosely) constantly taking advantage of your kindness and generosity?
  • Do you keep breaking up and then getting back together with your boyfriend/girlfriend after he/she promises to change and doesn’t?
  • Do you have a coworker or boss who consistently treats you in a condescending manner?
  • Are you slowly destroying your health through unhealthy habits?

Or, to put it in very simple terms–is there anyone in your life (yes, including you) who is consistently treating you like crap?

If so, the bad news is that you’re the one allowing it to continue. Yep, you.

The good news is that you can stop allowing it whenever you’re ready to do it.

So, are you ready?

It’s Not That Simple

What you allow is what will continue.” -Unknown

A few weeks ago, I saw the same epic quote posted on a very popular blog that I follow.

I was convinced that when I checked out the comments below the quote that everyone would be diggin’ the empowering nature of this quote as much as I was.

Yeah…not exactly.

There were close to 50 comments, and most of them were a variation of “yeah, it’s not that simple.”

Sorry to be blunt, but it is that simple.

  • We either allow ourselves to have our kindness taken advantage of on a daily basis, or we don’t.
  • We either allow ourselves to spend the rest of our lives in jobs that slowly destroy our souls, or we don’t.
  • We either allow ourselves to stay in abusive and/or loveless relationships, or we don’t.
  • We either believe in ourselves and our dreams, or we don’t.
  • We either allow ourselves to abuse the only body that we’ll ever have, or we don’t.
  • We either allow ourselves to believe our excuses about why we allow ourselves to be treated like dirt, or we don’t.

Just in case anyone is rolling their eyes right now, or muttering to him/herself “this dude doesn’t get it,” let me be painfully clear about something.

Just because it’s simple doesn’t mean that it will be easy.

If you’ve been reader of The Positivity Solution for a little while, you already know the deal.

Nothing that I will ever ask us to do will be easy.

That’s because making the world a more positive place isn’t easy. Only the serious need to apply for this gig.

The decision to honor ourselves is a simple one. However, in order to make that decision a reality, it will require some very hard work.

In fact, it may be the hardest thing that we’ll ever do in our lives. Mainly because doing so will mean that we’ll have to completely reject our excuses.

Let’s revisit Victor for a minute.

His #1 reason for sticking it out with Felicia is because of their kids. That’s a legitimate excuse, right?


I personally know of a lot of people who have stayed in miserable, loveless, and even abusive relationships that they should have left years ago, but they stayed in those relationships solely because of their kids.

Victor is well on his way to becoming another one of those sad souls.

This excuse deserves some serious rethinking. Given the choice, isn’t it much better for kids to come from a broken home rather than live in one?

These days, Victor and Felicia spend their days either giving each other the ice-cold silent treatment, screaming/cursing at each other, or sleeping in separate rooms.

I’m not a child psychologist, but in my opinion, kids are much more aware of these things than we give them credit for, and subjecting them to that kind of environment repeatedly on a daily basis can’t be the healthiest thing in the world.

Victor has done everything in his power to make this work. He has dragged Felicia to marriage counseling, spiritual advisors, couples yoga–you name it and it has failed. Felicia still keeps cheating on him and will likely continue to do so.

Equally as bad (or worse), Victor keeps making excuses for a woman who is potentially bringing STDs into their home while she jeopardizes the emotional well-being of their kids with her selfishness.

In the end, like Victor, we can dream up as many excuses as we want, and we actually might even end up believing a few of those excuses too.

Unfortunately, there is not an excuse in this world’s history that can change the unshakable truthfulness of this quote.

“What we allow is what will continue.”

It may take a lot of work to cut out the toxic people in our lives and honor and love ourselves unconditionally–but even if it is hard work, it can’t be any harder than allowing ourselves to be consistently treated like dirt each and every day, right?

Don’t overcomplicate this for another second.

Honoring yourself is simpler than you think.

The Pain of Never Again

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. The gift of life is yours. It’s an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.” – Dan Zadra

If you’re currently allowing yourself to experience a life that is less than what you know that you deserve, it’s worth it to ask yourself this very difficult, and non-sugarcoated, question:

What will it take for you to no longer to accept the scraps of what life has to offer?

Believe me, I mean that as lovingly as possible. I had that question asked to me a few years ago and it woke me up from years (yes, years) of making excuses instead of taking ownership over my life.

How many years are we willing to lose–years that we will never get back, mind you–dealing with mindless drama, emotional abuse, disrespect, or something far worse on a consistent basis?

Allow me to give you a warning from my personal experience.

Please believe that if you continue to allow yourself to be treated like shit, you will eventually be introduced to the agonizing Pain of Never Again.

If you don’t know what that pain is, you should. This pain will change your life for the better, but it will hurt unlike any emotional pain that you’ve ever experienced in your life.

The good news is that once you experience this life-altering pain, there is no excuse in the world that will stop you from doing the right thing.

I know a woman with less than $100 to her name at the time, who packed up her kids in the middle of the night while her abusive husband was asleep, and walked with them in complete darkness to a nearby shelter.

Was that easy for her? Hell no, it wasn’t.

But she’ll be the first to tell you that once she felt the Pain of Never Again (in this instance, her now ex-husband shoving her youngest child against a wall in a drunken rage), there was no excuse in the universe that was going to stop her from doing the right thing. The level of perceived difficulty became irrelevant in a hurry.

I have many examples of this in my life too.

I endured a very dark period in my life where I allowed terrible treatment to continue at my job for far too long, and my soul completely died (thankfully, temporarily) in the process.

One morning after a particularly scary moment during my drive to the office, I felt the Pain of Never Again and immediately decided to quit that soul-decaying job with no income and practically no money in savings.

Was it hard? You bet your ass it was.

To this day, drawing a line in the sand and refusing to allow myself to be treated in a sub-human manner for another minute was one of the most life-altering decisions that I have ever made.

Doormat or Not: The Choice Is Yours

So, do we have to experience the Pain of Never Again in order to make meaningful changes in our lives?

Absolutely not. Believe me, that’s the hard way.

The much easier way is to remember this quote. Or more specifically, live this quote:

What you allow is what will continue.”

I’ll even take it to the next level.

“What we allow is what we encourage.”

Even worse, “What we allow is what we enforce.”

Not only will the soul-decaying treatment continue if we keep allowing it, but by allowing it, we’re actively encouraging and enforcing the soul-decaying treatment to continue.

Remember, you can’t be anyone’s doormat unless you’re willing to lie down.

There will come a day when we’ll decide to stop believing in our excuses, but this day will only happen when we’re ready. Here’s a quick test to see how close you are to getting there:

If you are still willing to believe that your excuses are a valid justification for being treated like crap, then you’re not ready. 

To Victor, and anyone else who is dealing with consistently terrible treatment from another person in your life, your best life is a decision away.

We can either embrace our excuses, or we can embrace our best lives.

But we can’t do both.

So, what’s it going to be?

Your Turn

Have you ever found the courage to stop allowing yourself to be treated horribly by someone else? Is there an area of your life where you are allowing yourself to ensure things that you know that you shouldn’t? If so, jump into the comments below and make your voice heard!

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Are you tired of dealing with the bullies and jerks at your job, and ready to join the new workplace positivity movement? That’s good, because change is coming, my friend. If you’re ready to join the movement to change how we treat each other at work, reserve your copy of Making Work Work, today! Order link on Amazon.com



Founder of The Positivity Solution
Author, keynote speaker, and kindness extremist who is committed to changing the world by helping as many people as possible to live and work with more positivity.

Latest posts by Shola (see all)


  1. As you know my story, Shola, this post hit me like a ton of bricks. I will have to finish reading it later. I can’t see through the hot tears filling my eyes and burning down my face. #justtoday #notadoormat

    • Hey Aminah! Yes, I do know your story and I sincerely hope this post has helped. As a reformed doormat, I still remember hearing the words for the first time: “what you allow is what will continue.” This quote completely changed my life, and it started the difficult (and sometimes, painful) process of honoring myself fully. I’m hopeful that this post will help others in similarly difficult situations. As always Aminah, I’m rooting for you!

    • I purposely looked for a blog or article about this very thing. Currently, I had to end a friendship and professional relationship because of the way it made me feel. Although I really enjoyed parts of the friendship and professional relationship, I was sacrificing my very self-respect when I tolerated behavior that I had made known to the other party.

      The other party always made an excuse why they treated me a certain way. Most often they made it seem as though I was interpreting things all wrong. It made me walk away constantly second guessing myself. I talked myself out of my feelings again and again. I already had left an abusive marriage, so I did not want to lose this friendship that filled a very large hole in my own soul. However, I realized this relationship was mirroring the other abusive relationships in my life. I was holding on to a few crumbs at the expense of my self-worth and self-esteem. Recently, I cut the cord. I chose to disengage from the relationship. Since this person has some very honorable character traits, I would be willing to negotiate new terms of our friendship, but I pulled the plug on the old way. As you stated in your post, it is simple but not easy. It is still painful to experience a the loss of a good friend or someone else special in your life, but what is really painful is the loss of self. When we continue to allow mistreatment in our lives, we allow a piece of ourselves to be torn away. That is not acceptable. If making another person happy is going to make me sad then I can’t stay connected to that person.

      Wymillian K. Kirkman
      Visit my website: http://honor-myself.com/
      For more information on Domestic Violence

  2. Many years ago, I saw a psychologist regularly. I was going through some very rough stuff and a friend recommended her. It was very difficult for me to just go pour my heart out to her, but I am so glad I did. She helped me realize two very important things. One is that some people need to be loved from a distance and the other is the subject of your post today. I don’t have to allow others to take me for granted in order to be kind. When I think back and compare my life then and now, it’s unbelievable how much happier those two lessons have made me.

    • Well said, Spring! You are so right–being kind is not about being taken for granted and being treated poorly. Being nice always includes being nice to ourselves. I’m convinced that honoring ourselves is one of the hardest things to do sometimes, but I believe it can be done in 3 simple, but not easy, steps: 1) Refuse to be a doormat, 2) accept that some people need to be loved from a distance, and 3) focus on getting through “just today.” Thanks for your always insightful comments Spring, I’m so glad that your changes have brought you happiness!

    • “Some people need to be loved from a distance” – I so agree and appreciate seeing this as I have recognized the need to do so in my own life. We can hope and hope for those we love to treat us respectfully but when they don’t and it damages how we feel about ourselves, it has to stop…creating distance and taking care of self has worked well for me. It took me a long time to recognize how I kept exposing myself to the toxicity and I grieved the loss of what I had hoped could be but I gained emotional freedom and stopped being a doormat.

  3. Another great post, Shola!

    I was mulling over a lot of thoughts in my brain on my drive in to work. I was thinking about people in my life who have never had to deal with anything truly life-altering. Do you know those people? They might have had someone die in their life or maybe they failed a test or two in school, but they have never had the kind of stuff happen to them that changes a person.

    Here is just one small example: They have never had to put their kids to bed hungry because there was no food.

    That changes a person. It changed every fiber of my being, trust me. It changes who I want in my life, who I vote for and how I see other people.

    So when little annoying things happen to people, they turn it into a big thing. They don’t have a clue what real stress or real pain is. I find those people to also be extremely judgmental. They think everyone should be able to do or say or be a certain way without any concept of what other people have been through. Ugh.

    The kindest, most understanding (and most positive) people I know are those who have survived true pain and come out from the other side stronger and better for it. They do not judge, nor do they condemn. They are amazing individuals!

    You know I have been through hell and back, Shola. It made me a joyful person. If we don’t have those trials in our lives, how are we to become stronger?

    So yes (and sorry for the rant) we are in control of what we allow. No, we cannot control the events as they unfold in our lives, but we can certainly control how we react to them.

    • Kathy, this might be one of the most exceptional comments that I have EVER read on this site. When you experience something that is truly life-altering (like the Pain of Never Again), it is impossible to walk away unchanged. Like you said, it is far deeper than getting a flat tire on your way to an important meeting or failing a test in school, we’re talking about life-altering stuff like putting your kids to bed hungry. You are absolutely right–it’s usually the people who have never dealt with any meaningful challenges in their lives who will sit back and judge others. Those are the people who will look down their nose at a family going to McDonalds for dinner without having any clue that it took the mom all week just to save up enough money for the family to get a hot meal. I’ve always found the people who have been experienced real life challenges to be some of the best people to be around. And in the end, you said it best: We cannot control the events as they unfold in our lives, but we can certainly control how we react to them. Thanks for the epic comment, my friend.

  4. I recently had my run in with my pain of never again. It was one of the worst, yet in a weird way, one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Never again will I allow someone to treat me as less of a person. Never again will I allow someone to toss me around and then make excuses for them afterwards. Never again will I allow myself become the weak submissive person I was for 7 years. I’ve learned these lessons and that’s what makes that moment a good thing in a twisted kind of way. This post hit home! The choice is ours, and I hope everyone can make the strong tough desicions.

    “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” ~Tony Gaskins

    • Good for you, Valisa! There is no excuse for anyone to toss around a woman, and I’m thrilled to hear that you are refusing to make excuses for that person anymore. You are an AMAZING person, and you deserve the absolute best that life has to offer in every regard. You’re right–the Pain of Never Again is agonizing experience, but everyone I know who has felt that pain has walked away a better person. Congrats to you for leaving your old submissive self in the past, where she belongs. Like you said, the choice is ours to decide what we’ll allow in our lives, and sometimes that choice isn’t easy, but it’s always necessary. You truly are an inspiration, Valisa!

  5. thanks shola
    i am from egypt & i read your great article which make a big good difference in my mind
    best regard

  6. Shola, I’ve read your blog post so many times this week in connection with a decision I’ve made. When I read it, I feel very good and know I’m making the right decision to distance myself from a person and a hurtful situation that has gone on for many years. It’s between me and my adult daughter (32) who is abusive to me. I have told her I won’t come back to her home again . . . I was there for 4 days or so and it was pretty bad. It’s gotten worse over the past couple years. I’m sad that this step will mean I’ll lose my relationship with my grandchildren. I’m sick about it, as a matter of fact. I believe it’s the right thing . . but I’ve had no response from her. Just nothing . . . I lose my resolve a little each day. Do you have a helpful word?

    • Jeanette says:

      Hi Jane,
      I have some experience with this same issue so don’t think that you are ever alone. I used to feel sad about having to let go of the people who have hurt me but then I remember how bad it feels to allow them to continually hurt me and I don’t like it or them. Family members are the most difficult culprits to deal with because they know you better than others and they know how to manipulate you. I have decided to let go of everything and everyone who takes my kindness for weakness and I think that you should too! I no longer care what the excuses are for others trying to disrespect, abuse or mistreat me. Your sadness will end when you replace it with the joy of your newfound freedom to live your life the way you want to live it without the burden of thinking or feeling that you have to please or have a relationship with others (including your daughter) in order to have a full and happy life. It is not healthy to have to constantly deal with people who abuse you in any way. You and I would benefit from releasing ourselves from the daily stress of having to deal with the people in our lives who drain our energy simply because they think we owe them something because we are their parents. Thank you for your post Jane. I needed to hear this to be reminded of who I am and what I need to do about my current situation. God bless you and do what you know you need to do to be the happy individual you want to be.

  7. Thank you so much for this post. I really needed to read this today. Much love and light

  8. I just wanted to say thank you for the topic. This is exactly what I needed to read! I feel so fortunate to find your blog, Shola! Please wish me luck on what I am going to do for myself!

  9. Hi. These posts are fantastic. The best I have ever read. I am currently at home recovering from a car accident in which I broke my neck. I had the accident while on my way to the work. I was so worried about my high workload that I did not concentrate and struck a pool of water. The point is that I am working for a bully who makes my life a absolute misery. I work masses of overtime and have become an extremely poor mother and wife. I fear resigning from my job and dread going back to work soon. I feel totally helpless.

  10. I really loved this post. All of the advice you gave seems so simple, but coming from someone who’s always the nice person and I’m sure allowed or taken a lot that shouldn’t have, it really does seem like it’s easier said than done. How do you put a stop to things or change things when you feel like everything in your life is so wrong? How do you get from point A to point B? Especially when you’ve gone through so much and feel so empty inside. You want to change everything but where do you truly begin? I hope these doesn’t sound like silly question.

  11. Awesome you’re there to help people Shola. Stay cool 🙂

  12. dear eternal optimist-

    thank you. my favorite part was when you asked how ready i was, if i was still making/believing my excuses. with delight i tell you that i do not believe my excuses any longer. ive been getting closer to this for months now, but i, like many, was worried about my child. no one has put it quite the way you did. come from a broken home, or live in one? kind of cinched it for me. ive been crying for hours before i stumbled on your post. to be honest i saw it yesterday but i have such a terrible phone i didnt want to go thru the hassle of loading the page. today i needed something, badly. i am very… very depressed. i am and have been very, very unhealthy. some days i do not weigh 90lbs. i know what i have to do. its hard. i know i can do it. ive been gearing up for months. i am in an extended pain of never again. in my shittier moments i wonder if i deserve this horrible pain because i am going to rip my family apart. but i have hopes and dreams and opinions that i know i deserve to come true, to see the fruits of my hard work and determination. but goddamn if i can stop crying and feel happy. im scared. im scared to lose my best friend, even if he is the one im allowing to treat me like shit. i cannot stop a smal part of me that whispers, ‘he will change someday. give it more time’. but like i said, some days, i do not weigh 90lbs. i am literally killing myself with stress. im treating myself horribly in a failed attempt to mmake someone else happy! its the new definition of insanity.

    today was really bad. the words ‘toxic relationship’ are SCREAMING inside my head. its worse when he insists this all just needs more effort, more trying, that i need to try to make him happy , assuming he will do the same. its all just another excuse.

    i know what i have to do. i know, my whole being, is the pain of never again. i know me, and who i am. i fairly fucking rock.

    im looking forward to plumping up. i want fat rol;s. i want to be happy. after the pain of never again. i have two months.

  13. Hello Shola, I felt completely lost over the last few days, I have been treated like crap from a friend who hasn’t been in contact for over two years. He has no friends of his own but is getting married and wants to the look the big man so came looking for me and my best mate. He called me upside down, made jokes about my weight and when he heard I was in a serious car accident just basically laughed. He has done it to me all my life, and I have since stayed away but after reading your blog I feel a million times better, what I am doing is right, I am not allowing him to be part of my life anymore. I don’t care what anyone else thinks it’s my life.

  14. A great post, and definitely a good reminder to keep strong when you feel that inner doormat starting to knock at the cage you’ve put him/her in. Being slightly angry, like a buzz in your heart that won’t go out, a small flame, has kept me from being a doormat for a long while. I’m still angry at a particular person who played at my heart strings, crushed my heart and pretended it was o.k, despite how I felt, and I allowed this treatment to continue for 2 years. Doormat City.
    Ousting people like this from your life, without that old ‘give it time, they’ll change’ excuse is definitely the way forward.
    Heck, sticking with them, letting it continue means that no, things won’t change. And who has time, years, months, decades, to wait on someone who treats you like dirt?
    Clarity. Peace. Self-respect.

  15. Thank you so much for this beautiful post, and also for the comments that let me know I’m not alone. I’m a survivor of severe childhood abuse of all sorts. Not so surprisingly I wound up with an abusive ‘partner’. I now see a true partner would not call me a loser and accuse me of being jealous. A true partner would not hit me when they decide the conversation is over. I’ve made so many excuses over these 5 years. Racked my brain, making sure all fault pointed back to me…like others it’s gotten to the point where I feel I’m either going to lose my mind or slowly die of heartbreak. Ending a relationship is hard. But lying to myself that this will somehow be okay is torture. Accepting the reality is so liberating and I will check back to this post when little miss doormat wants to make a reappearance 🙂 Blessings to all

  16. Hi Shola
    Thank you for the great read! I am forwarding this post to my mother ASAP.
    I too am a ‘positivity activist’ and I am glad to see that there is a large network of people who have a similar dream for the world!
    My hope is that people in my country, South Africa, can learn to overcome the heartaches that they still carry from the past through positive thinking and positive action.

  17. Your posts and insight are incredible. I am at that never again point. I live with a controlling, mentally unstable partner and he has a FAKE, using family. I trusted them and it is really, really dark when you finally come to realise that all of those gritted teeth smiles and lines of questioning are to an end – financial only. I am sad to say I have so far wasted almost 10 yrs of my life with him. (No sexual intercourse in years and no marriage due to a jealous, money grabbing ex-wife. ) The pain in my throat at the waste of time and being left childless hurts. I have very few people I can trust because the ex-wife is prominent and he sends people to her in the guise of ‘buying something from her’. I am not paranoid I have strong intuition at all of these people that want to get to know me ( who just happen to know her ) and my weaknesses. ( I happen to be of colour as well Shola and unfortunately was very blind to under the carpet racism) I am getting stronger mentally and doing every bit of research I can to educate myself, work for myself and earn money and hopefully get the hell out.

  18. Nusrat Kauser says:

    Hi Shola,
    Thank you for this post. I am a reformed doormat who is continuing to struggle to to stay reformed. Coincidently, I was researching the search engines to find solutions to being bullied at work and I came across your “Bullied at Work” post from a couple of years ago, which I read naturally. I would like to just let you know that I was bullied at work and harassed and everything unpleasant that goes with that for a year or so by my co-worker. I stood up for myself, went through the work process, no one took me seriously and I was told to Rise above it,
    I was off work due to stress initially for about 4 weeks but then had a hysterectomy and have now been off for a further 6 weeks. This time has been very painful due to the surgery but very valuable to evaluate my life. Work are still trying to brush it under the carpet, but what ever damage I thought the bully initially did to me and my reputation, I am reversing it by Killing them with Kindness. I am still involving myself with work issues from home as I can see what’s happening via work emails, proving to them that I am member of staff worth retaining rather than then them not wanting to deal with the problems. I wish Shola, my friend that one day we can eradicate bullying at work as it is not very nice to undergo.
    We must be strong and stand up for ourselves and others.

  19. Some very motivating stuff here! I used to allow others to treat me like crap, until I finally realized that I didn’t want to live that way. For me, the solution was to just leave it all behind, knowing that whatever I lost by doing so I could replace with something much better.

    And by getting rid of all those negative people in my life, I was able to attract a lot of positive relationships, and am now enjoying a social circle of people I love!

    It all comes down to you being willing to make sacrifices to have a chance of improving your life.

  20. Shola thank you so so much! Wow! I need this dose of self support everyday! When I learned to see my sensitivities, vulnerabilities and loving nature as a gift to myself and for the ones who truly recognises me…. No space for abuse left! Not easy but soooo soooo much worth it! Thank you for being you and inspiring us.

  21. I am now a widow of two and a half years, my late husband did abuse me when he would drink too much. I have now met a man who loves me deeply and I love him but I believe in my heart that I am allowing him to control our every action even if I don’t want the same things. I need to stop this and take back control of my life. Of course there is way more to this story but I feel I am to blame for most of it. Why? I seem to feed on approval and he feeds on control. I love this blog and it has helped me to see a bit clearer today. Thank you

  22. This quote has been appearing on my facebook and statuses from friends for some time, ” what you allow is what will continue.” This past year has been quite painful and depressing. I’ve always been quiet and shy, these two traits have definitely been an advantage tool for others. Try being publicly embarrassed by your Supervisor in front of all workers you work with and another worker that conspired with her on two different occasions. These were things that should have been told to me privately, but it was premeditated as public. Both times I felt quite frozen and overwhelmingly shy to say anything back With being so shy, I sometimes wonder how will my words come out. Will they be firm or whiny? It’s a strong sensation to say something, but I can feel my heart beating rapidly fast with being so shy. Surprisingly, I still work for the same Supervisor, but there’s definitely
    a strong level of anger, bitterness, feeling uncomfortable, and the Supervisor constantly saying indirect things. I’ve certainly thought about quitting my job, but there’s an endless amount of other job opportunities within the state that I’m currently applying for. The only reason I’ve chosen to stay are because of great benefits available and retirement, but what’s that if I’m not happy? I ask myself should I actually leave my job totally or patiently wait and apply for other state jobs. I’ve also taken the time to bring these occurrences to my Supervisors Supervisor, but it seems as though nothing has been done. Well, there was a Conference Meeting where I was able to discuss what has transpired and my Supervisor’s constant denial that she didn’t say anything or she simply does not remember. Occurrences were remembered that could possibly help them both out of the situation, but anything that could implicate her served no recollection. The conclusion of the conversation was that my Supervisors Supervisor would be sending her to training for delivery methods of communication. Honestly, I’m quite surprised she still works there based on countless actions as a Supervisor. I’ve certainly thought about escalating things further with going up the ladder, but I’m trying to be empathetic to the fact that she has Cancer and currently going through something. Although these occurrences were done publicly no one there has admitted her wrongdoing, possibly based on her health conditions or just not wanting to get involved. It’s still not right to treat others a certain way, in order to temporarily uplift yourself. As for now, the overall agenda is to work on myself and continue to push forward to be a better me and that means pushing past Social Anxiety. Its crazy how you never know how strong you are until you have to be. This experience certainly almost broke me. Overcoming being so shy is certainly something that has to be done. Please provide some advice, please. I’ve also been thinking that walking away is also the strongest thing to do. I’m a great person and I know that I deserve to be treated better.

  23. I wrote a much longer comment but the share button on the right just floats there and I accidentally touched it and lost all I wrote, since it will not let you go back.

    Basically, I had a rough day and was searching for something that give me solutions and not pity. My whole life I’ve been the role as the pleaser. I was abandoned by my mom as a child, followed by a severely depressed dad. Growing up I was surrounded by wealthy playmates who were their parents little special snowflakes. My role was to make my friend’s happy and entertained. I married a lovely man, who also happens to be his parent’s special snowflake. One of the things that can be difficult about my husband is that he is not demonstrative. Today was our anniversary, which like all special occasions, he forgot. His mother also forgot, but happened to come by and ask for my help in my brother-in-law’s upcoming wedding. Now, my problem wasn’t being asked to help or my husband forgetting our anniversary, it was something implied by my mother-in-law. Our wedding was basically entirely planned by me, and since my parents were penniless from their divorce lawyers, no one could help with anything. I was so busy making everyone else comfortable at the wedding that I never even had a chance to get ready myself, no joke. My mother-in-law asked why I did all the flowers at my own wedding, and I replied casually it was because everyone who said they would help was too busy getting ready. She said something that basically implied that it was my lot in life to serve others, and I think it was an attempt to compliment me, saying I was tough so I didn’t need help or a nice wedding. Something about it stuck. It was the concept that I deserved less, that I would never be anyone’s special snowflake, that it was my lot in life.

    I became so depressed looking back at a life where every role from daughter, to mother, to wife, to teacher was always the second rate and undeserving. My role in relationships is downstairs, and everyone else is upstairs. Your article gave me hope, made me feel that I ALLOWED it, and it wasn’t that the universe predetermined my position. The concept tha. t I allowed it made me feel like there is hope. Your article gave me the courage to believe I can change my position. Thank you.

    • In many ways, you could be me, but I have allowed much, much worse. My sons are grown and say brutal things to me still because they know I will love them and do everything for them. I pay their student loans their phone bills, let one live here even though he ignores me, except to call and get him beer. It is a nightmare and they have made me feel like nothing

  24. Hi Shola,

    I just finished reading your article. Thank you for the encouragement! and thanks for thoroughly explaining. While reading, i feel that i completely relate to the article.as i go on reading, i am understanding it more deeply. God bless you 🙂

  25. Recently I made some of these decisions. I will no longer allow someone to treat me like an option or like I am second best. However I still struggle with letting go and still think maybe he will change. How do I stop those thoughts. Would I really want someone who has treated me in such a poor fashion!

  26. Hi, Shola,
    I just found your website last night when I was feeling really low. For the past 5 months, I’ve allowed, yes allowed a guy, to yo-yo me. I won’t bore you with all details. When we saw each other it was great……he loved being with me, thought about me all the time, couldn’t wait to see me. Then he would disappear for days. No texts nothing. In the beginning I would text him and then I stopped about 3 months ago. I saw him last Tuesday…..he couldn’t think of not being with me wanted a real relationship. Bottom line. Don’t hear from him, send a text on Friday, no response. Send another one on Saturday “what’s up”. Didn’t get your text, doubt it, Uncle dying….doubt it. Friend now came into town, doubt that too……disappearing again. Found your words, “What you allow will continue” and the light bulb finally went on! I allowed him to see me only on his terms. By the way, we are not kids……We are both in our late 50’s. He’s divorced and I’m a widow. Now I’m pissed….I thought at him but actually at myself for continuing to allow it. How about an article on how to forgive yourself once the light bulb come on

  27. P.S Shola, just read your article Forgive to Be Free. Excellent. I already practice some of your ideas…..praying for the person and mediating. I just wish I wasn’t so hard on myself.

  28. I want to say thank you for this article. I’m in the process of doing some soul searching and this article crossed my path. I’m in a current situation where I’m dating someone who is only giving me “so much”. I mean there’s other aspects of my life that this applies to, but this particular subject is something that has to be dealt with. Anyway, I questioned if it’s the way it is because I allow it and I found this article. I prayed about this and here’s my answer. Thank you for creating this article and thank you God for leading me to it. God bless you.

  29. It has been to long since I have not allowed myself to be happy. It’s time for a change. I deserve it.

  30. Hi Shola:
    I am so Thankful to have found your site. It has given me the inspiration and courage to face an intolerable situation at work.
    I have been bullied several times by our union’s health & safety representative. I get the irony! She is snarky to me. She hands out gifts, during work, at Christmas making sure I see that I am being excluded. Recently a coworker texted me that this rep had also engaged in a course of vexatious comments about me. It seems to have originally stemmed from the fact that a violent patient was assaulting staff both physically & verbally. I lodged a complaint with the union about the reps lack of duty to protect workers.
    I complained to my manager who was not happy about me making a fuss. The union president minimized my concerns. My co-workers agreed that the rep is a bully but whined and complained that nothing could be done because as they put it “she’s in with the manager and the union who will also protect her. There is nothing you can do”.
    I researched every employer policy regarding workplace violence and Human Rights law in my area. I am cooperating with my employer for mediation as I want to contribute to a healthy work environment. The manager informed me that I should come in on my day off. I felt again like doormat.
    Your site gave me the courage to write the manager stating that although I would certainly oblige mediation (it’s optional) I did not want to come in on my day off and she move the meeting to work hours.
    I sent a polite letter to the union reminding them of their Federal/Legal Duty of Fair Representation.
    Thanks to YOU

  31. Hi – can you please respond to this one?
    It isn’t a spouse or a boyfriend. My husband is ok, would never cheat, but sometimes is thoughtless. Anyway, it is my mother, and two sons. My sons saw my mother be verbally abusive to both me and my husband. And I kept giving her more chances until she stopped talking to me on her deathbed and cut me out of her will, leaving everything to one grandson. My older son was always attacking me. he still does and to keep the peace, I apologize and say I will change. My younger son, now is following the older one’s pattern and tells to to “fuck off” even if I ask him how he is and why he hasn’t talked in a week. Both of them, trash me and blame me for all the ills in their life. I thought it had to be me because my only blood is doing the same thing to me my mother did. And then I looked up this site and wondered if I allow them to treat me poorly. It is like the “irresponsible power” slaveholders had that made the demons. Do you think I am on the right track?

  32. Krya Harrison says:

    Love this

  33. This is timely. I am currently at the end of a relationship with a ‘Victor’. I don’t know if his wife ever cheated on him, but 9 months into his relationship with me, it seems that he will always want her, despite the fact that she has treated him like a doormat and paycheck in their 20 yr marriage. I know I am the rebound woman. I have always been honest with him, given him an open heart, never taken advantage of his kind soul. Why would I? I am a similar character, but I have never needed a man as a cash machine? He talks about her spending habits with a smile on his face, whilst never treating me. I know his break up is so recent (separated officially only a year, got together with me just 3 months after, and he is now living in a different country from her and the kids). I also know the separation from his children is causing him so much pain, along with the pain of her ending the marriage, then repeatedly changing his mind, until he ended up moving abroad. I know it isn’t about him and her. It is about me. I feel that all the pain she is causing him, he is dumping on me. The coldness. The lack of thought for my feelings. But, this is not the first time this has happened. I always worry about their feelings, and get cross at how they let their exes treat them, yet seem to yearn for them. I am a decent woman. Does that make me a doormat? Should I be a bitch like her? Can I not be decent but strong too? Help.

    • Hi, just read this thread and your comment about your “Victor” I thought I would share my experience with you as it may help. Nice guys like “Victor” are very hard to live with, you may say Oh perfect everyone wants a nice guy for a partner, but, does this resonate with you…nice guys tend to not respect themselves enough which can anger their partners as they let everyone take advantage of them. I am married to one I know, I have often said out loud to him…why would you let someone do that to you….have you no self respect…..this type of person can make their partners look like the bad cop in a lot of situations, because they are always the ones left to negotiate the stuff in life that the nice guy doesn’t want to handle. This can make the nice guys partner lose respect for their husband…..I just want my husband to grow a pair and make me proud of him….maybe this is what “Victors” wife wants and is not getting thus the affairs, she wants him to stand up to her so she can respect him as a man…..these are my experiences.

  34. Hi, new to this post, actually just found it yesterday. I have been struggling with my adult daughter (42) for the past 15 years. She suffers from depression and has anger issues. She recently moved in with me (I know, what a dummy huh). She was trashing a house that I had as a rental so I wanted her out to sell it. Of course with really bad credit, she had nowhere to go so she moved into my basement with her cats, her many cats. Everything was fine for 3-4 months. Then one of her cats died of complications with kidney disease and she went straight into a no-talking depression. Three weeks later, she came home and her anger at herself overflowed and she began attacking me verbally. She doubled up her fists, got in my face and said she wanted to hit me so bad, that I was responsible for her cat dying since I was lazy and home during the day and that she would kill me if anything happened to any of her other cats. After 3 weeks of silence and then the threats, I called the cops and filed a protective order against her. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I have taken her abuse, cried forever, worried about her more nights than I can count (she always pulled the suicide card) and literally lost 20 pounds and my joy in living. I stood up to her and refused to be a doormat. Police ordered her from my home the next night. It has been one week and we both appeared back in court today. She walked in so arrogant, telling the judge that she wanted to sever all ties with me, never wanted to see me again, that she was moving out of state and that I was crazy. She called me by my first name as I was not a mother to her anymore and got the last word in saying I hope you are happy now. I still have three weeks to wait until she is completely moved out but am already feeling a sense of relief. She owes me my retirement I have bailed her out so many times, criticizes me when she feels like it and guilts me into doing things her way. I lost myself trying to make her better and keep the relationship. If I ever was to find some happiness before I died, I feel that she had to leave my life. She actually made it easier for me in court today by being herself, the mean, cold-hearted, unemotional self that I grew to know. I will miss the few good times here and there when I doted on her and agreed with everything in her life. It was the only way for us to have peace. But I won’t miss the sacrifices I had to make to have those good times. Giving up such a huge part of who I was made me realize that this is not good for me, she is reaping all the rewards and nothing is going to get better unless she wants it to. I feel I gave it my best shot and nothing was ever enough. The judge said to me after she had left that she obviously has issues and that there is nothing I can do to help her. It gave me peace.
    Everyone hang strong, make the right choices for yourself. Do what you can to help but set those boundaries. Don’t let it get so far that you end having to get the courts involved to give you peace. I may never see my daughter again but I wish her to be well and happy. Our toxic relationship was hurting us both. Hopefully she will come to see that and by doing for herself, her self-esteem with soar and we can have an adult healthy relationship down the road.

  35. My husband one terrible day, November 6th 2001 decided he was done with our attempts at running his life for the benefit of people in the community and on his job. after he said he was a slave since his return from the navy submarine service in may of 1985,. I guess we can say his rebelion started june 13 1987 and is continuing to go today, that was the day I flew in after a vacation made promises to him about if he stayed home and worked and let a woman with 9 years less seniority and her fiance’ with seven years less seniority go to Rome with the group so they could marry, He had planed the roman trip as the honey moon we never had, but if he did not stay and work the double the first opportunity for them would have been that fall.

    My husband already despised the woman because she used her looks to get out of doing her job, he despised her fiancé because he was always asking for cover to mess with her on the job. So When I begged him to stand down. for the Rome trip he set a trap and agreed under several conditions, First we had to pay him back his none refundable price. He was not giving over five grand for their wedding gift because he did not like either of them. . Second after when he came back in 1985 and the greeting he received from his wife of her telling him he had to do without his right as a husband to take things slow and get everyone used to his return after three and a half years under water for the needs of the navy. I had refused sex for two years promising that net month I would become the wife he expected if he did not disrupt lives from his military leave and return with seniority over 60 percent of the workforce when he came back. He took my bible out of the bedroom and had me swear any time, any place and any way he wanted I would be both the travel companion, sex partner and wife he had expected when we married January second 1982 six years before. That upon my return I would start considering the family I had promised then.

    He was not nice when he had to remain behind after not having a day of since before our wedding, he made sure the world knew he was kept as the slave. Insulting his father me and everyone that went down in our van to go, I told his father mother and the group what he had made me swear to on top of the money we had to return.

    In Rome We discussed the promise I had made and the best time for him to go on a four week vacation. was after the Christmas shutdown, he could work the down week, use the triple time to add to the vacation fund and use the weeks personal time to make up for the Christmas down week and it would not disrupt any one else’s plans in the deal. I was considering it this one time. but he knew that the first time was every time. Stepped off the return flight with his brothers, sister parents and the rest of the group to hell on earth thinking the proposal to take a vacation to a nice Island beach Someplace like Hawaii, The Caymans, Barbadoes or the Bahamas would be well received. It was received with his research of we could not get a reservation to any of the nice warm beach areas because even the reservations had reservations and the cruise lines did not operate at that time.

    HE had decided he was pointing the nose of our van west that day without any oppertunity to come up with other proposals to not hurt any ones plans just because we destroyed his. I even Suggested driving to the gulf coast, Vegas, Southern California or Texas in that time. He said if I wanted to Ice skate across country I could but he was not and he was going to take the down week to. I was placed on a bus that after noon to my mothers in VA because I said he could not treat people this way. his father had a friend on the bench hit him with a court order to work all offered hours that after noon when he got to his fathers house. and as I understood it he hit his father so hard with his luggage in the chest he broke ribs when he went to work. I came back two years latter to a judge throwing his divorce petition out because I am bi polar and the state assigned a guardianship, The did leave him an out if he could come up with over 3 million up front for my long term care.

    The Judge however left the court order in place to work all offered hours as the best solution for the entire community and workforce until 2001. It simplified the way vacations, holidays, jobs and shift assignments happened for hundreds, They would just come up and tell my husband he was working and everyone else went home for holidays. and vacations. In 2000 we went to Bavaria not realizing that was the last holiday and vacation that my husband was going to even consider being peaceful about. That year him and others that had an axe to grind with that judge. got an inadvertent discloseur about his bad habit and the pushed the state into a judicial review on him. Right after the shutdown 2001 conservation officers went into his court, cuffed him and took him to his arraignment in the capital for evidence tampering to support his cocain habit. and show preferential and support in an illegal way to make people like my husband bend to the will of society and give their rights up. The last time a deputy was able to force him to work the county had to back down in fear that a multi million dollar lawsuit was going to bankrupt them.

    In November 2001, My husband had undergone a dangerous procedure that summer. A tumor removal off the top of his brain stem to releave adult onset hydrocephalus. His father and coworkers six days after that surgery felt if he could stand he could work and took him in with his arms twisted behind his back. asking me to call federal authorities to report an abduction, They were all friends and family and I could not bring myself to do something because all they were trying to do was keep their plans from disruption.

    That noember however my husband ad dragged out his old Army foot locker right after being forced back to work that augst day, Took Several things like two Catanas wrapped in oil paper and 2 sies, started working out hard for three to four hours daily with them, weights, windsprints, this was the first time I ever saw what was in this foot locker because as far as I knew the lock had been on since before the navy.

    I saw his certificate as earning a 3rd dan black belt in 1974 in the army, the pictures of his first fiancé. a girl in his army unit that would put almost every other woman running away because they could not hold a candle to her. His father got into that engagement because she was half Hawaiian native and oriental. She was not white.

    Then His fathers best friend , the county commissioner came to us about his middle son and his friends that wanted to go to the knew plant as a group in the same department and my husband with his own group of ex military were taking the department with their seniority which my husbands was highest with 15 years more.

    First his father tried getting him to back down saying it would earn the union powerful votes on the council. second the whole community would see he was trying to cooperate with them, third he was sure something could be arranged for the 20 years of no time off since we married. Get his vacation starting that next week. for four weeks and maybe he would be willing with others to pay for it. his father and the commissioner were thrown out of our house into the front yard and my husband stated if they thought these promise were going to impress him we were wrong. We were all liars.. So it was my turn to try. I was on my knees promising a sex life, everything he had wanted for 20 years, all he had to do was back down because these people were now willing to hurt him if he defied them.

    The Defiance was then the next morning me watching as my husband was jumped and he went into the combat mode he had worked out with the last four months He had one catana in his duster he was wearing home but the confines were to tight to use it so he stated using feet knees elbows fists, head butts and he left four men dying on our front porch right in front of the door, Then the door and frame landed on me. I was in pain when my ankle broke, hes telling me he would kill me the next time I tried getting him hurt and he put his catana up. and went out to make the EMTs job harder by soaking the for men and the area they were laying down with a hose. I heard one even ask if he wanted to see these men die and my husband said yes.

    After that day his father and others in the community felt since they could not get him to stop his defiance through legal means, they would starte intimidating him. I took that foot locker of his and locked it in a storage shed and would not say were until I could trust he would not use the weapons in it to resist. Even so men started appearing to leave our circle of friends, usually after a hospital stay, then in 2008 he started taken weapons from them and fighting about being pushed into work. on Christmas eve the sheriff told us that things were way out of hand, he could not cover for us any longer, Two men had been forced out of the back of his fathers car going 45 mph his father was in the hospital with his neck badly bruised and another man was found on his fathers hood after going through the windshield from the inside with no collision.

    That Christmas eve the sheriffs patrol caught up to him seven counties away heading west. Then in 2009 he was going to go on the Oreint express with me, not paying any heed to the request to let the younger man go that worked right next to him on his and his new brides honey moon since the vacation time he could get was when she was due to deliver.

    His father and I cancelled his berth and I talked to his union presedent about setting up a vacation trip to St Croix instead. starting the second of January 2010 the entire five weeks he had coming, We took the 6354 check his father even kicked in the cancelation fee of ten percent, loaded into the Suburban for the ride to the airport to catch our flight and took his laptop case in with us with him thinking everything was still in it. He came in with a man from TSA telling him that we would meet him in the TSA office , My husband was looking square at the guy that was supposed to work as him and his new wife went up the boarding ramp. I was trying to explain that we had a surprise for him in seven months he was going to get a vacation, just not this one, I was going to hold the check of 6354 for him until just before the surprise we were arranging. he said is my passport locked in a safe deposit box again his father said just be a man and go to work, after we left TSA would give it to him.

    I found myself flying across that office with intense pain in my shoulder, he was taking everything ripped my boarding pass in half with the other papers and took any thing I could use to pay with. I boarded with a torn ACl and my arm in a sling. my husband was being escorted back to his work. and his mother was going back with him after just about flattening his father over my husband being forced off the trip. His father could barely croak and was standing there with his pockets ripped out. His throat badly bruised, after seven men including his steward and union minister helped pry my husbands fingers off his throat. TSA put him on a months no fly after he threatened to board a direct flight to Europe to meet us at every stop across the continent and make our life hell.

    We came home to no pickup, an arrest warrant for grand theft and theft of a federal ID. I served 2 months since the judge was willing to take the signed check I had until he took it as restitution. I told the judge it was the last time I was going to interfere in my husbands plans, it was getting to painful when I did.

    My husband did not make the January vacation. The company put him on retirement after being disabled he previous October. He had become so depressed over no time off, no home life. fighting for every little thing he did get, he was camping in the state forest since my return from Europe.

    He was not going to even talk to me and his father labor day 2009. his steward and minister set it up to show up at his cafeteria and they would get him there on break to speak to us. I asked what could we do to stop this war, He just said drop dead would be the best option now and he walked out stooped over to answer a call on his radio. he did leave me the keys to the house and a allowance every week from the bank. no other access to what he considered his rights.

    I was still trying to set up leaving for St Croix on the second of January. then his union lowered the boom with early canvasing for the holidays in 2009, My husband turned down both thanksgiving and Christmas and all that were not supposed to work had their cards locked out. This meant there was no way to force my husband to work he could not get in. Then on October the 24th they found my husband on the recieving floor unable to move without screaming. His foreman called first to say they had transported him to ER. and before his mother and sister showed the ER said that the Department of health was taking over signing for his treatment and he was being Transported to the Main hospital campus on the East side of town.

    We did not speak to his doctors as they wheeled my already sedated husband into surgery everyone was in containment suits on the other side of the glass.

    My husband was on his front. and we were told by the doctors PA ten hours later that the doctor blue we heard was for my husband, they had to revive him once so far and things were at least another 12 hours on the table. She said we should think about a funeral home and plans for a funeral because the three doctors in there felt the damage was to bad to save him. MRSA had invaded his spine, causing the Spinal cord to be crushed and partialy severed, his depression killed his immune system. When January the second rolled around his retirement after 34 years of credited service was in an Isolation and his cake was another plug in of the antibiotic.
    The next three years was another two surgeries, three strokes. In April 2012 I was going to the holy lands for the tri year vacation with everyone and we went to his rehab to tell the rehab and him we could be reached through the US embassy in Isreal. That we would be back in two weeks and he started talking about going on the next one in 2015, I had mentioned the plan for that one was A cruise to Cancun over Spring break 2015. He said he would be ready to go by then barring any more problems, When his father lite into him yelling he was not even supposed to consider himself invited on one, He was not going to burden everyone with a cripple on any vacation. he would just have to accept his lot in life. He flattened his father in the door of his room with a stainless steel bed pan square in his face. I was going to travel with an old Boyfriend that trip I had started seeing earlier that year, just out of being lonely and not wanting to hear again how I had stolen a life from my husband. We tried to tell him he did so much good with the time he gave up he should be proud. but nobody could have seen into the future to see this happening, if he had just found some joy in his work then maybe he could have had a better life.

    He came home before I could end the affair and caught us, He had my luggage packed and was going to send me off with my Affair partner, cutting me off from his life from then on. MY AP was married however, decided to humiliate my husband sweeping hins cane and telling the pathetic cripple he would just let things go as they had, don’t begrudge my being happy in his misery, MY husband carved that cane in occupational therapy, it stands 4’4″ tall Has titanium teeth in its mouth and weighs 13 pounds. He was still holding it after the cane was swept and he removed a rubber grip tip exposing the ice spike. He threw it like a spear fracturing my APs scull, dropping him where he stod, I was trying to hold him from doing more damage and he just swated me across the room and stated hitting my AP screaming whose pathetic now. That how the police discovered him and took him to a stress center in what they called an uncontrolled rage. We were called to talk to his analyst a week later and the next shoe dropped with him sending his findings of abuse of an adult to the DA.

    We went to where his mother was sitting with her son when his father went up yelling how big a baby was he , boo, hoo you did not have a day off in decades. Boo, hoo your wife denied sex as the only way to actually get you off your rear and do things, he said be a dam man and accept he was never to have the rights others had, A wheel chai my husband was using as a walker went through plate glass doors flattening his father again. another night sedated in a cool off room. And a week latter the center called to come get my husband on the worst day possible, t was a -40 outside, I had been invited to an event that was invitation only with his mother, father and fathers best friend.

    His father refused to go get him and said shove him out the door and have him get some character, I had just finished getting ready thinking he was not coming home that day and I went to see who had arrived when my husband was right in front of me.

    He did not have to say a word before I was crying and trying t make some kind of a deal. I handed hima100 and begged him to meet any where he chose in four hours and we could spend however long it took to get some agreement on a time frame to allow him a life of any choice he made, he just could not come home and expect his way as the only way.

    He told me that instant that from that second on he was the final judge, and arbiter of what’ where and how anything happened if I wanted to stay under the roof he provided. That as of that second his farther, my friends and everyone else were of no consequence in his or my life, he was the only say in this house from that point on and I was going to start keeping the hundreds of promises and be the wife he had expected the last 31 years, I was going to earn what I had taken from him starting that second, That promises to any one else were second to him.

    I took for the door to get help maybe back to the center. when he reached out and ripped every stich off me, he said he had paid for it all. that the only man that had any right to have it on his arm was him. that as he said I had never lived up to my end of the marriage and I was going to start that evening, I was sobbing saying it did not have to be this way. right then he was nothing but rage.

    Couldn’t we try and come up with something, He did not say another word, just had his way with me. I got off the floor hurting and sore and trying to think about what I was going to do now, He left to get supper for me and him. He had handed me the phone and said the number was 911, he said don’t clean up for a rape kit and don’t pick up for scene photos. I went into the bedroom and put a dressing gown on, still sobbing about how I wanted his home coming, I had hoped for everyone to be there that weekend to have a civil talk over how to incorporate him over time into the life he was not allowed before MRSA. He was not leaving us that time He was not leaving any options open to keep tensions down, Every time since when we tried to get life to the way it was before MRSA. He says we want that life to turn others into the slave he was. It was just so nice to have somebody there that was relegated to a certain place in society. We were wanting a way to get him the time and life he wanted just at different times and ways, The last three years has seen people badly hurt including his father right before the Cancun trip when he became drunk and told him that he was going home weather or not he liked it even if it had to be black and blue, When his father swung that bat my husbands cane blocked and my husband broke his fathers neck with one uppercut. All I could do was sit on the bed and cry, We were all denied boarding, and went home. the lines lawyers are crying my husband was the unreasonable one but they are trying to hammer out a cash payment with paid vacation packages my husbands wanting. Many I have been on already. tried getting a compromise of wait until Hawaii in 2018. I would have talked myself blue to get him invited without trouble but he said if he was paying for me he was paying for him to go, His father and the rest of the group had nothing to say.

    As I said for years we tried seperate but equal on him his mother died in June after the trouble Christmas she just wanted every one to stop abusing her oldest son, all I had done was to keep the holiday dinner stress free, since he was willing to hurt his father the week before in not taking 4000 and going any where else over the holiday, he was staying and being santa for our now 2 year old and having the first Christmas home since 1977 I handed him the first dinner that was not a pair of sandwiches at his work gate, out of a box in the desert, or on the mess deck of a submarine or in a hospital setting. I offered him his dinner pate and asked him to take it and eat in the pole barn out of the cold. It ended up in my face with the words it was his house, his dinner and his table he was not some damn field hand getting charity from the massas wife. The fight getting him out ended up with several pistols pointed at him the tossed him out on the deck with his cane, Stetson and coat telling him to get manners and come back , I heard him say they would not hear the last of this nobody threw him out of his own house and got away with it, He went to Bart and threw his saddle on when we realized his weapons were in the barn safe. He Shoved his 30 30 in its saddle, I was running to tell him to come back he could eat a new meal at his table, but I did not make the door before it crashed opened , his grandfathers lariat wrapped around his fathers neck with the other end attached to his pomel. He had his 30 30 pointed at the nearest person that pointed a pistol at him and said go ahead, be stupid befor he even got it cleared from his belt he would have a 30 caliber hole in his forehead and a garage door in the back. We had over 35 guest come out to were we moved to for Christmas, and he announced if they did not like him eating his food, in his home at his table they were free to leave with their people, the door was open, he added any of you that held a gun on me are not staying get out. I saw over 25 go out the door to their cars, he let his father loose and said get out he would take his mother home when she wanted unless she wanted then. Its the first time in 33 years people left my home on a holiday angry and upset as well as hungry. He gathered a new plate for himself when the last went out the drive. Sat down and the meal with who was left was totally silent. His brother took his mother home telling my husband he sure entertained him that evening and my husband took our son to his crib. Came back out and he said the next day be ready for a long ride to high range. he was up half the night cleaning up and putting the leftovers in a cooler with bread. and condiments and plastic flat wear He was on the phone with the federal judge for about 20 minutes telling him about how I had broken an agreement 2 years ago not to interfere with his civil rights I was asked to get on the phone and explain. I told the judge I had just asked to keep things from being tense in the house over dinner after he had refused to go on a vacation over Christmas without me and his son just let the day be free of tension.. the judge said I would have probably told me to do certain not very nice things, he said we tried stepping all over my husbands civil rights again., my husband gave the judge latitude and longitude for something. The US marshalls service met us when we got to high range cabin and put an ankle tracker on me I was up there under home detention from January to mid June when my husband was told his mother was dying we flew down with permision for me . His mother died two weeks latter, she had asked the week before if there was any way to end this war with society would my husband consider it. My husband said as long as everyone did not tell him he was worthless and stopped interfering with him.

    She died without coming up with a solution. The day of her funeral. his sister tried to continue the idea of seperate but equal, told my husband the service was an hour after it really was, she had set up a private service for her brother after the internment an hour latter, My husbands brother told him the right time. and he showed up then. They had stationed a friend of the family outside the home just in case my husband showed. My husband went into the service six minutes before it started and sat in the front row telling his father the first word he was going into the grave before his mother the police were taking the friend to the hospital, with his arm broken in four places and other parts broken from being slammed around on concrete steps after he put his hand on my husbands chest and said go away., the officers stood there and laughed about what my husband did.

    Since 1985 all I have tried to do was hold my husband from disrupting lives with his wants, he does not disrupt now he destroys lives families and any one he feels is interfering in his rights. Hes not discriminitory in it either. If you get between him and his set goal he will stomp you into the pavement.

  36. Veronica Lopez says:

    This also hit me like a ton of bricks…very well said “we allow what will continue” these words have touched my heart..i have been in a abusive relationship and its only getting worst.
    Really needed to hear this TY

  37. My boss’s partner has cancer, I genuinely know she is going through a hard time. I have anxiety and take something for it. My boss finds fault with my work. She tells me off, but if others do the wrong thing she doesn’t tell them off. My sister’s 5 year old daughter had Gullian-Barre and Pneumonia in space of a year. My boss knew this and I just don’t know why I am subjected to this and no-one else is. She says things to me, she doesn’t say to anyone else. I want to resign but can’t. Lost.

  38. Shola, your writing style is honest and accessible and it’s helped me start making mental changes after reading just two posts (This and The Need to be Liked). I resonate with your reasoning and beliefs and I love the quote this entry is based on–“What you allow is what will continue”. It gives me chills to think about because it reminds me of the infinite power we all have over our own destiny. I have the power to make my life a reflection of my beliefs, and until I own that power I can expect to keep repeating the same mistakes I’ve always made. Thank you for creating this blog!

  39. I’m a beautiful black woman I have been married for or I was married for almost 30 years I have two grown children and I’m divorced and the thing about it is I’ve been dating this guy for the past 10 years and he will not propose he takes me for granted! I really want to be married again I want to be in a relationship with someone that loves themselves and love me and we can travel but most of all that he’s a Christian and a person that loves God that has a personal relationship with God is not that they have to go to church every day but I want them to have a relationship with God through the trials and tribulations I don’t care if they’re black or white I just want a man that is ready to do things with me I love to cook sometimes but not all the time I want to travel and I want to stay home but I want someone to be able to do those things with me even though I have grown kids and grown children we should all have boundaries in our lives where our friends and our family is concerned and I don’t have this in the relationship that I’m in…. I’m really ready to move on with my life! I just need God to open the door that I can walk through and he will order my steps! And he will give me the desires of my heart a man to truly love honor and respect me!

  40. Christine Nguyen says:

    Thank you so much for this post. I can sense the passion in your writing and genuine nature to serve the greater good. This read was much needed. It definitely resurfaced some old wounds, but I feel better. I’m slowly getting back on the right path. Keep up the great work!

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