Your Happiness Can’t Wait

Waiting to find happiness? If so, you’re in for a long wait.

Please take a moment to marinate in an excerpt from one of my favorite books of all-time. If you have kids, you should probably recognize it instantly:

[You’ll] grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place.

…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go,

or bus to come, or a plane to go,

or the mail to come, or the rain to go,

or the phone to ring or the snow to snow,

or waiting around for a Yes or No,

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite,

or waiting for wind to fly a kite,

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake,

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break,

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants,

or wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying.

You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.”

-Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

Do you know what a “Boom Band” is? Yeah, I’m not entirely sure either.

Here’s what I do know, though.

No one likes waiting. 

Unfortunately, besides the fact that it’s a less-than-enjoyable thing to do, waiting can also be incredibly dangerous too.

This is especially true when it comes to waiting for happiness.

Like the good Dr. Seuss said, it’s time to escape all that waiting and staying.

I might not know exactly what Boom Bands are, but I know that they’re good. More importantly, I happen to know exactly where the Boom Bands are playing too.

It’s time that we pay that place a visit.

The Reality of Happiness

(Author’s Note: Before we get started, allow me to make a quick disclaimer. Nothing that I’ll be talking about in this blog post, or in any blog post that I’ll ever write, will deal with the issue of depression. Depression is a serious medical condition that requires professional help that I am in no way qualified to provide. This is about the very common experience of unhappiness that everyone reading this has experienced at one time or another. Make sense? Okay, moving on…)

In the history of this universe, I’m not sure if there is any concept that is as misunderstood as “happiness.” Or more specifically, how to achieve happiness.

It’s time to set the record straight.

Most people have the happiness formula in the wrong order.

  • They wait for 5′ o clock.
  • They wait for the weekend.
  • They wait until they fall in love again.
  • They wait until their bathroom scale displays a particular number.
  • They wait until they’re able to live in a nicer neighborhood.
  • They wait until their boss either quits or gets fired.
  • They wait until they get themselves out of debt.
  • They wait until they are able to take that tropical vacation.
  • They wait until they finally get that raise and/or promotion at work.
  • They wait until they get their book published.
  • They wait until they find the courage to leave their terrible relationship.

And once those things finally happen for them, then they’ll finally be happy.

Unfortunately, happiness doesn’t work that way and it never will. That’s why I cannot stress this enough:

Nothing is more damaging to our happiness than choosing to wait for it.

Please don’t be one of the many sad souls who wait until a certain event happens in their lives before they give themselves the permission to be happy.

There is a huge risk in doing this, and it should be obvious.

Once we finally get what you’re looking for, we’ll realize that while it may make us temporarily happy, it won’t make us as happy as deeply (or for as long) as we thought it would.

So, we keep chasing happiness.

And during this chase, we’ll sadly realize that happiness will always be one weekend away from now.

Happiness will always be few pounds less than what the bathroom scale is telling us.

Happiness will always be one extra zero more than what’s currently at the end of our bank account balance.

Happiness will always be waiting for us in the arms of a new significant other who is better than the loser we’re currently stuck with.

Predictably, if we choose to follow this pattern, true happiness will always remain slightly out of our grasp until the day that we die.

There is a better way.

The reality of true happiness is that we must accept the fact that it’s an inside job, and it’s a choice.

The key is that it’s not the choice that you’ve been led to believe.

Happiness: A New Choice

I want you to think of the unhappiest moment of your life.

I’m not talking about a time where you were “slightly bummed out.” I’m talking about full-on sadness and despair.

We’ve all been there. I know that I have.

Imagine that while you’re in the depths of experiencing that sadness and despair, a well-meaning person came up to you, patted you on the shoulder and said, “Come on, snap out of it. Happiness is a choice! Just choose to be happy!”

How would you respond to that person?

If you’re anything like me, you’d want to roundhouse kick that fool in the throat.

“Happiness is a choice” is such a sorry oversimplification of happiness that it makes me want to pull out the nonexistent hair in my head.

Anyone who has ever experienced real sadness knows that it’s not as simple as “choosing to be happy.” If it were that simple, every unhappy person on this earth would probably be happy already. Here’s the real deal:

Happiness is a skill.

Happiness is no different than playing the guitar, speaking a foreign language or learning how to swim.

Just like we cannot magically choose to become an expert guitar player, Spanish speaker, or swimmer without practice, happiness doesn’t just magically happen to us without practice either.

And similar to any other skill, happiness takes some serious effort and practice to master. Also, since our minds are already wired to be negative, it may take more practice than you might think. For example:

  • It takes effort and practice to consistently focus on the solutions to our problems instead of mindlessly complaining to anyone who will listen.
  • It takes effort and practice to consistently choose an attitude that not only empowers us, but also makes the world a more positive place instead of a more negative one.
  • It takes effort to mindfully manage and control our emotions instead of letting our emotions control us.
  • It takes effort and practice to find the good in situations where the good is not clearly obvious.

That’s why I find it incredibly irritating when people say, “It must be nice to be as happy as you are. Some of us have real issues to deal with.”

Uh…excuse me?

You’re kidding, right?

Please trust that I have many “real issues” to deal with and that I don’t magically wake up each morning just being “happy.”

I work my ass off to be happy. Every. Single. Day.

Happiness is important to me and I work hard at it. I actually consider it to be a full-time job–and it’s not always an easy job either, but it’s definitely one of the most rewarding.

It takes a lot of strength, determination and courage for a person to pull him/herself out of less-than-positive circumstances to find happiness–it would be far easier not to do it.

But I refuse to go down that road anymore.

Deliberate Practice

I decided that after quite a few years of being miserable, that continuing to go down that dark path was a pretty terrible way to go through life (not very profound, I know).

Now that I’m a parent, I have fully committed myself to practicing the skills of happiness, not only so I can be the best dad possible to my little girls, but so that I can also teach them that they can learn the skills to be happy too.

All it takes is repetition through deliberate practice.

  • We can learn to be fully present with deliberate practice.
  • We can learn to be thankful for what we have with deliberate practice.
  • We can learn to control our emotions, instead of having our emotions control us, with deliberate practice.
  • We can learn to surround ourselves with people who bring out the best in us, instead of the ones who consistently drain our energy, with deliberate practice.
  • We can learn to find the nugget of positivity in almost any situation, instead of instantly wallowing in the negative, with deliberate practice.

If you want to do something amazing for your overall happiness, start by being aware of when you’re doing the opposite of the five things mentioned above.

For example, when you notice yourself complaining indefinitely about a negative event/person in your life, become aware of it, and make a conscious effort to do something that will make you happier (e.g., focus on finding solutions, be thankful for what you already have, choosing a more useful thought, etc.)

Just like any skill, with repetition and consistent, deliberate practice, the skill of happiness becomes easier and easier until it eventually becomes a natural part of who we are.

That is the only way to achieve meaningful and long-lasting happiness.

This news should be very liberating.

Instead of thinking that happiness is something that will eventually happen to us, find us, or magically be bestowed upon us on one special day in the future–none of those things are even close to being true.

Happiness is a skill that we make happen through effort and practice. That means happiness is in our complete control.

And there’s the real choice.

Where Real Happiness Exists

Some of you already know this, but I like to jokingly call myself a Happiness Extremist. More than anything, I believe wholeheartedly in the importance of being happy and joyful while we’re alive on this earth.

I believe that far too many of us spend our lives in a constant state of blah-ness that is SO far away from truly experiencing real happiness.

How many people can remember the last time that they laughed so hard that tears streamed down their faces?

How many people can remember the last time that they were so happy that they couldn’t stop from singing and/or dancing in public?

How many people can remember experiencing a state of joyful gratitude that was so deeply powerful that it resonated throughout their entire being?

And even if they do remember these times, are those special moments a common occurrence or are they a once-in-a-blue-moon type of deal?

As bad as all of that is, I saved the most disturbing question for last:

How many people will continue to wait for happiness to find them?

Don’t be one of those people.

We can start practicing the skill of happiness the moment we’re done reading these words. Remember, you’re slowing killing your life by waiting until “someday” do it.

Like Dr. Seuss said, it’s time to escape all of that waiting and staying.

I know exactly where those Boom Bands are playing. 

They’re playing inside of us.

It’s the only place in the world where real happiness exists.

Your Turn

Have you ever waited for happiness in your life? Do you believe that happiness is a skill that can be learned with practice? Either way, jump into the comments below and make your voice heard!

Shola

Shola

Founder of The Positivity Solution
Author, keynote speaker, and kindness extremist who is committed to changing the world by helping as many people as possible to live and work with more positivity.
Shola
Shola
Shola

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Comments

  1. Needed this today! Thanks Shola… 🙂

  2. So true!!! If you are waiting for happiness, you are going to miss out on living!

    I actually believe in a slight variation of what you have said. If you don’t mind, I’d like to share.

    I don’t use the word, “happy” only because it can refer to something so very fleeting. I hear people talk about happiness as something that comes and goes, can depend on the weather or how quickly traffic moves. I don’t seek happiness. I seek something way more permanent.

    I seek joy.

    To me, joy is something that is deeply felt. It is a combination of contentment, gratefulness and inner peace. It means that I know my life is worth more than anything I could own or do, and that I am pleased with all I have. It means I don’t spend time fretting over what I don’t have or have lost. It means that I am aware of how blessed I truly am.

    I don’t know if that makes sense, but it has allowed me to be the positive person I am, so that is why I wanted to share. Joy also means I am not looking to anyone else to give me that feeling(except for God, but that’s a whole other thing). It comes from deep within me.

    As always, thank you for your amazing words and guidance! <3, Katho

    • Kathy, I like how you defined joy–very nice! I have always personally defined true happiness the exact same way that you defined joy, so we’re totally on the same page. The key is that whatever we choose to call it, it must be more of a permanent feeling, just like you said. I love the description that it is a combination of contentment, gratefulness, and inner peace–that is a perfect description to me. Thanks so much for your comment, my friend!

  3. Add this to your list of quotes b/c it’s awesome:

    “Happiness is an inside job” ~ Shola

    Great post Shola! 🙂

  4. Tunteeya says:

    Thank you for your post Shola,
    This really makes a lot of sense to me. I think you are right i believe that happiness is a skill, being positive is a a skill, that needs to be practiced in order to be strengthened.

    Thank you for writing this post and reminding me about this. In less than one week in going to start my supervised practice as a child psychologist at a positive health psychology clinic.

    I will keep I mind all that I have learned while reading your blog post and try and practice what I learned from your posts.

    Ps. I absolutely loved the “just today” post. I got so many things done yesterday!

    Teeya 🙂

    • Hi Teeya, I’m so glad that you liked the post! I’ve always believed that we need to start looking at happiness in a completely different way. Instead of it being something that happens to us, we need to view happiness as something that we make happen by learning the skill of happiness. Good luck with your supervised practice next week! You and your work are truly making the world a more positive place, there’s no doubt about that 🙂 I’m glad that you’re here Teeya, I’m sure that we all could learn a lot from your experiences!

  5. To be honest, I’ve fallen into the “happiness is a choice” camp, only because I had no better way of stating/viewing it. But viewing it as a skill (one you have to hone at work at Every Day) is the perfect way to put it. This post is a fantastic explanation of what attaining happiness is REALLY like!

    • So true, my friend! I used to be a BIG “happiness is a choice” guy until I realized that it was far too simplistic of thing to say to people who are really going through some difficult stuff. Once I started viewing happiness as a skill, I realized that the real choice was deciding whether we were committed enough to learning this skill. Thanks for reading, superstar!

  6. “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

    That is one of my favorite quotes, and one I try to tell myself EVERY morning! It helps get me through every day. Happiness isn’t something you can find, but comes from within yourself. I am always happier when I can do something positive or make someone smile, no matter how small the action may be. Thank you for this!

    • Hey Valisa! I absolutely LOVE that Dalai Lama quote because it is SO true. Happiness is not ready made, like many people believe–it comes from our own actions and many times it can involve some work and practice too. This quote is definitely a keeper for me, my friend!

  7. WOW.. so needed this today. yes, I had a moment of thinking “will it ever happen?” I have been single so long and see all my friends finding their ‘true loved one’ so yes, I feel like a third wheel and well.. lonely sometimes. I am happy most of the time, more than not. But I was questioning myself this morning, after I tried to see if a man at my church would be interested in dating me. He has turned me down twice. I have been single since my divorce 15 years ago.. just one boyfriend 7 years back.. so I am totally questioning rather or not I am deserving of romantic love for this life? Was feeling bummed out, read this and now feel so much better! I love my life, but would love to experience ‘true’ love too! Oh well.. not meant to be and I have to be comfortable and HAPPY with that conclusion! Also, Shola, I used us as an example this weekend doing some ministry work with teens entering into college from Thailand. They are a group we minister to through our church. Anyways, they were sharing their beautifully unique names and how made fun of they are by their peers. I told them your story and they all smiled! I told them to be so very proud of their culture and their beautiful names!

  8. Great post! Thanks for sharing!

    I personally believe you achieve happiness by focusing on the process of growth and your life journey instead of the outcomes or destination. It’s about learning to let go of expectations and embracing life as it happens. Embracing what is instead of what we have been conditioned to chase.

    Love,

    Love, light and blessings!

  9. Ashley Babbitt says:

    Beautiful Shola! Thanks, I’m going to listen to the boom bands:)

  10. Those last 3 lines gave me chills. You’re the man. I’ve read like 10 of your articles today, and I don’t plan on stopping. I am already feeling better. Thanks for what you do. I guarantee you help a lot more people than you realize.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Waiting For Happiness “Happiness is a choice” is such a pathetic oversimplification of happiness that it makes me want to pull out the nonexistent hair in my head. […]

  2. […] You read that article that Shola Richards wrote, about happiness being a skill? Well, I reckon kindness is, too. It’s one that needs not just practice but review. The thing is that sometimes, you can’t get this review from anywhere. For some folks, all the outside reassurance in the world just doesn’t work. No matter what anyone else may say, only you know the dark interiors of your own skull. […]

  3. […] Sadly, that is not how happiness works. Not even close, actually. […]

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