Silencing the Haters

How to deal with haters

To the haters out there: Shhh…

“I could never do what you do.”

We were sitting in a coffee shop next door to my office when my friend said those words to me.

My friend is brilliant, funny, and an exceptional writer, but when I asked him what is stopping him from launching his own blog (something that he has talked about doing for months), that was his response.

He had more to say too:

“People are so cruel and judgmental. I don’t think that I have what it takes to put my writing out there for the world to rip apart and judge. There are so many haters out there.”

Sadly, he’s absolutely right. There are so many haters out there.

Some of you already know this, but it took me three long years to find the guts to publish my first ever blog post here on this site.

The reason for the ridiculously long delay, you might be wondering?

Fear of dealing with criticism from the haters.

Yep, that’s it. That fear almost stopped me from ever hitting “Publish” on my very first blog post.

Almost.

It took me a while to completely overcome this fear, but now with almost a year of blogging under my belt, I can say with 100% confidence that haters do not need to be feared.

They do need to be dealt with, though.

The problem is that when it comes to dealing with haters, most people give the same tired advice that you have probably heard before:

Ignore them.

Get a thicker skin.

Fight fire with fire.

There are definitely much better ways to silence the haters, so without further ado, let’s get on with the business of zipping their lips once and for all.

The Best Way To Deal With Haters

Believe me, you don’t have to be a blogger in order to deal with haters.

How many people reading this can relate to dealing with people in your lives who seemingly take great joy in pointing out your flaws, inadequacies, and imperfections?

Also, just to be clear–this post is not about constructive criticism. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. This post is solely about the destructive kind.

The destructive criticism could be about your parenting skills, your ability to do your job, how you dress, who you decided to date/marry, the house you live in, the car you drive, your positive attitude, your weight, your hair, the fact that you smile too much, your writing ability…the list could literally go on and on.

You might think that since I write about positivity, I must be immune from dealing with haters. Everyone loves positivity, right?

Well…

Here are some very real examples of the some the hate that I’ve had to deal with since launching The Positivity Solution:

  • Your blog is way too positive. This is a shitty world that we live in and you clearly live in a fantasy land that’s nothing like the real world. You need to quit being such a phony.
  • I can’t take you seriously as a “positivity blogger” because you use the words sh*t and a**hole in your blog posts. Stop pretending that you’re a positive person.
  • Your latest blog post made me feel angry/sad/guilty/(insert negative emotion here). You suck as a blogger and I’m done with you.
  • Ok, so who is really writing these blog posts? I know that it can’t be you. Every black person I know is practically illiterate and they’re definitely not into “positivity.” Quit lying to us asshole, we’re on to you.

There’s a lot more where those came from, but I’m sure that you get the point.

So, how do I deal with these special people?

It’s simple.

I do more of what they hate.

This one is pretty important, so I’ll say it again:

The best way to silence the haters is to do more of what they hate.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

A few years ago at work, I had a very motivated group of haters who loved to comment on how “phony” I was to anyone who would listen. To them, I was “too nice” and I “smiled too much” to be authentic and real, and apparently, my positive attitude annoyed the hell out of them.

Yes, seriously. You can’t make this stuff up.

Let’s be honest–what if I foolishly tried to make these people happy by smiling less and by switching up my style by mean-mugging everyone all day and treating people like crap? Would that make them “like me” more?

Of course not.

Changing up my style wouldn’t magically turn me into best friends with those people (not that I wanted to be friends with people like that anyway.)

So instead, I did the only logical thing.

I chose to smile more, I continued to be friendly as possible, and most importantly, I chose to be me, unapologetically. 

Interestingly enough, once they realized that their snide comments and immature hating had absolutely no effect on my behavior, the haters were effectively silenced and they moved on to another target who would give them the emotional reaction they craved.

Believe me, it’s very possible to rise above the hate, and if you’re dealing with haters, you can rise above it too by: 1) showing your haters that their words have no effect on you and 2) showing them that you’re happy with who you are by doing more of what they hate.

I know that at The Positivity Solution I won’t be able to please everyone.

For some people, I’m too positive.

For some people, I’m not positive enough.

For some people, dropping an occasional curse word means that I’m a negative person.

For some people, because I’m not dropping a steady stream of “F-bombs” from my keyboard onto this page, that means that I’m soft and “afraid to keep it real.”

This is all part of the gig–no matter where you go or what you choose to do, the critics will be waiting.

But given the choice to be the person who is critiquing the thing from the sidelines or doing the thing in the arena (shout out to Brené Brown!), I can always lean on the fact that I’m choosing to live each day courageously in the arena.

If you’re with me in the arena, then know this–no matter what you’re doing, it is impossible to make everyone happy.

Good thing that’s not my goal, and I hope that it’s not yours either.

As a guy who has spent the majority of my adult life being scared to show the world the “real me” for fear of being judged by the haters, those days are over.

Instead, I will keep giving you every last drop of the authentic Shola.

Every. Single. Day.

Like the late Kurt Cobain said, “I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.”

Hurt People Hurt People

“I hope that you get cancer and die.”

I remember reading the above comment directed toward the author of a very popular blog that I like to read, and at first, that comment shook me to my core.

Seriously, that’s an incredibly horrific thing to say to someone. What type of sick bastard would wish cancer upon another human being?

Reflecting back on it now, I completely get it.

Only someone who is severely hurting inside would ever take the time to type up something like that and then publish it on a website for the whole world to see.

Personally speaking, the comments that I shared earlier from my haters are actually the “PG-rated versions” of the comments that I’ve received over the past 10 months.

Some comments that I’ve received in the past are so ugly, mean, and cartoonishly evil that they just cannot be taken seriously.

For example, whenever I receive a racist email or blog comment loaded with “N-bombs,” I just hit the delete button and remember the wise words of one of my college professors:

Hurt people hurt people.

Here are two very real observations that I’ve made about haters, that I’m sure you’ll agree with:

1) I have never in my life seen a well-adjusted and happy person who purposely writes vicious, hate-filled emails/comments in an attempt to tear someone else down. Why? Because they’re too busy being well-adjusted and happy to waste their time being an insufferable jerk, that’s why.

2) I have never received a piece of vicious criticism from a person who is actually putting him/herself out there by creating anything meaningful. These jokers are experts at trying to destroy things behind the safety of a computer screen (no skill or talent is needed to do that), but they’re pretty much incapable of publicly building anything useful (lots of skill, talent, and guts are needed to do that).

I remind myself of both points whenever I deal with mean-spirited comments or mean-spirited behavior. You should too.

Simply put, people who choose to hurt others are the broken souls of the world who are deeply hurting themselves. 

If you’re dealing with people who seemingly find pleasure in directing destructive criticism your way–it could be a customer, your significant other, your boss/coworker, or even your mom–just remember this:

Their hate has nothing to do with how they feel about you, it’s a reflection about how they feel about themselves.

Focus on the VIPs

In the not-so-distant past, I used to focus so much of my time and energy on the people who didn’t “get” me or this blog.

For example, these were some of the common thoughts that would run through my mind on a frequent basis:

Ugh, there she is again! How come this woman only comments when she’s trying to find fault or pick a fight? Doesn’t she have anything better to do?

Wow, this woman thinks that I’m a fraud because I used the word “asshat” in one of my blog posts. Come on, really???

Why is this guy so annoyed that I keep posting upbeat and positive stuff on this page? Is he lost or something? He does realize that this blog is called The Positivity Solution, right? 

Man, that was such a useless waste of energy.

I spent so much time trying to chase those people down and get them to be happy with me and this blog, and at the same time, I wasn’t giving my fullest amount of energy and love to the people who really deserved it.

My focus needs to remain with the people who are my true believers, or in other words: my VIPs.

If you haven’t done so already, please take a moment to answer this critical, and potentially life-altering question: Who are the VIPs in your life? If you don’t know, then stop what you’re doing and check out this must-read blog post: The VIP Section.

Who are the people who “get you” and will always have your back, no matter what?

Trust me, those are the people who you need to focus your energy on.

There will always be haters on the sideline who think that you’re a terrible parent, a horrible coworker, you dress funny, and you rock a hideous hairstyle.

Believe it or not, that’s okay.

Who knows, maybe there’s something constructive in their comments, and if so, it would probably make sense to take action to do something about it.

But if the purpose of their criticism is just to be a destructive hyper-critical asshat, then it’s up to you to do the only sane thing:

Give them more of what they hate, which is coincidentally, more of what your VIPs love.

The days of giving the haters in our lives any more power and attention than they deserve, ends today.

As they say, haters are gonna hate regardless.

As for us, we’ll just keep on being us.

Whether they like it or not.

Your Turn

Do you have any haters in your life? If so, what technique do you use to deal with them? Jump into the comments below and make your voices heard!

Book Cover_newMaking Work Work

Are you tired of dealing with the bullies and jerks at your job, and ready to join the new workplace positivity movement? That’s good, because change is coming, my friend. If you’re ready to join the movement to change how we treat each other at work, reserve your copy of Making Work Work, today! Order link on Amazon.com

Shola

Shola

Founder of The Positivity Solution
Corporate trainer, incurable optimist, and writer who is committed to changing the world by helping as many people as possible to live and work more positively.
Shola
Shola
Shola

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Comments

  1. Thank you for this, Shola. Brilliant as always.

  2. WOW talk about perfect timing….I left a well-known mommy group because of the haters. It broke my heart at first but the longer I stayed away, the better I felt. Today I heard from a few friends how my name is still being dragged around in the muck. Ouch.

    I can’t say it didn’t hurt. And I’ve asked my friends kindly to not tell me what’s going on over there, and to not talk about me over there.

    Thank you so much for posting this today….it helped, really. Keep being awesome 🙂

    • Hey Crafty Angel! You are so right, it does hurt when people find it necessary to be mean and hateful for no good reason. I remember that my Mom would always tell me, “when people choose to talk behind your back, that’s exactly where you should leave them: behind your back.” As hard as it may be to do, I’d recommend a clean break from that particular mommy group (on a side note: from what I’ve heard, some mommy groups can be some of the meanest, judgmental people in the world), and don’t worry about if they’re continuing to be immature by dragging your name through the mud. Maybe this is a sign that you need to create your own mommy group! I know lots of positive and well-adjusted moms who would love to join. Best of luck, my friend!

  3. You know, I often find myself pondering “what happened to that person to make them so miserable?” I generally try to keep my distance from people who are just so incredibly unhappy, but that is not always possible. There is a woman at my office who is incredibly mean. She is always gossiping about people and she is very manipulative and seems to get joy from hurting people. It’s actually not very easy to stop from wondering “why doesn’t she like me?” “what’s wrong with me?” As a matter of fact, I get very upset with myself when I get home and realize that I let her affect me. But mostly, I just feel sorry for her. It must be awful to be so miserable. Whatever happened to make her that way must have been an awful thing. If I just remember that, it’s much easier to deal with.

    I still wonder what it is that makes some people so mean and hateful while others who have also had terrible things happen to them are so nice. It’s fascinating to think about it. I also think that a lot of comments are made by people b/c they are in the safety of their own homes, hidden behind their computer screens and no one will ever know and other than words, there will be no fight that may cause harm. It’s really too bad that people can’t just pick and choose what they want to look at online and just peacefully move away from what they don’t want to look at. Why is that so hard?

    Well Shola, another great post as always! I love thing that make me go “Hmmm?”

    😀

    • Kimen Petersen says:

      Wow!!! I have never been so inspired to pick up my pen again and finish my books!
      You have reminded me of who I am… Thank you

      I remember recently someone said ” come on Kimen, no one is that happy”, I just kept my mouth shut and continued to be the happy person I am today.
      At the same time I felt sad for this person who could not believe that abundant constant joy is a possibility.
      Keep up the good work!!! Each positive being causes a shift in the world!

      • Yes Kimen! Pick up that pen and start writing–don’t allow the haters to slow you down! Just like you, I’ve heard over and over again that I must be fake because I’m “too happy” (whatever that means). But when the haters come (and they will) just continue to be you by giving them more of what they hate. Thanks for being a positive shift in the world, my friend!

    • Spring, I absolutely LOVE how much of a deep thinker you are! Believe me, I have spent more time than I’m willing to admit trying to figure out exactly why some people choose to be so mean hateful, while others are so loving and kind. There are a ton of different factors (upbringing, emotional maturity, personality traits, etc), but one thing that I am certain about now is that when someone does choose to talk to me in a hateful manner, that says MUCH more about them than it does about me. Like they say: “hurt people hurt people.” I couldn’t agree more with what you said about behavior online. I have read blog posts that I didn’t like before, but I never thought of leaving a vicious comment or sending an hateful email–who needs that kind of drama? Instead, I just click off of the page and keep it moving. It’s a much easier way to live. Thanks for the comment, my friend! 🙂

  4. Mary Black says:

    This article is GREAT! A friend tagged me a FB post that was linked to this article because a week ago I posted about how people were telling me I was “too positive”. Only those that are negative think I’m too positive…if they only knew the real me. Thank you for this post and I must start following your blog!

    • Thanks Mary, I’m so glad to hear that you liked it! And please feel free to follow along, I would love to have you onboard!

  5. My mom always told me that the best way to deal with haters is to kill them with kindness. If you don’t give in to what they want, they get bored and move on. Great post, as always!

    “Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.” ~Joel Osteen

    • Hey Valisa! As usual, you hit the nail on the head. Once you don’t give the haters the emotional response that they crave, they get bored and move on. Thanks for another awesome quote!

  6. Haters don’t need a reason to hate. They’ll hate without a reason. I’ve lost far too much of my life responding to haters, defending myself and being miserable wondering what I did wrong. It’s not me that has the problem, it’s them. I have since started determining who I am and how I want to treat people. I treat people (as much as possible, cause I’m a work in progress) with the same acceptance, kindness and respect regardless of how they treat me. It’s a God thing. Who we are should not be dependent upon how others treat us. God causes the sun to shine upon, and blesses the good and the evil because His nature is LOVE. I try to do the same. It makes ME feel better to know that just because someone else is being an asshat doesn’t mean I have to be one too. Great blog post!

    • So true Becky, haters don’t need a reason to hate–that’s a lesson that I’ve learned the hard way. Just like you, I’ve wasted precious weeks, months, and years trying to figure out why haters hate, but getting into the dark recesses of their minds was not a fun journey for me. Most importantly, you said it best when you said that “just because someone else is being an asshat doesn’t mean that I have to be one too.” Well said!

  7. I’m with Spring. When I meet someone who is negative or spiteful, I tend to ask myself why. Misery loves company. I just try to stay positive and not get sucked into the negativity. The more I work at staying positive, the easier it is.

    Another awesome post, Shola. Thank you!!! 😉 I am in training this week and had to wait until now… after 9pm my time… to finally read your post! It was hard to wait that long!

    Thank you, also, for always making my Monday something to look forward to. As positive as I am, I still struggle with the transition from weekend to workweek. Your blog has really eased that pain!!!

    • Thank you Kathy! It is an honor to help in anyway to ease the transition from week to week. I know that Mondays are usually the least favorite day of the week for most people, so I’m thrilled to hear that I’m making Mondays better for you 🙂 I agree with you, these days when I see someone acting in a hateful way, I can’t help but to ask “I wonder why he/she is acting like that.” Usually, I don’t have an answer so I do everything that I can to distance myself from that energy. Thanks for reading, my friend!

  8. Giving haters more of what they hate is genius. I never thought about it that way before.

    My technique has always been to turn the mute button on their ass. I’ve literally had occasions where a hater would tell me precisely why one of my projects is stupid and I’ll just nod without actually listening, say “Okay” and then leave the conversation as quickly as possible.

    We are creating art and going against the grain so there will always be people who dislike what we’re doing. If someone isn’t pissed off then we’re probably doing something wrong.

    Good shit as always Shola.

    • Hey Kevin! Man, the “giving the haters more of what they hate” philosophy has been a life-changer for me. I used to be the dude who would change up his style to make the haters happy, and just ended up being even more miserable in the process. These days, I’m done with that shit. Like you said, we are creating art, and it will always be much easier to destroy art (haters) than it is to create it. Thanks for reading Kevin, and keep kicking ass with your art, my man!

  9. Awesome post Shola. You nailed it, as usual.

  10. Sabrina Rock says:

    The hardest people to love are the ones who need our love the most! You, dear Shola, are so easy to love!! Thanks for sharing that love and giving others the opportunity to receive it, nurture it, and multiply it.

    • Hey Sabrina! That is SO true–the hardest people to love are often the ones who need it the most. It’s just that sometimes, that love has to be given from a distance ;). Thank you so much for the kind words, my friend–you are too sweet! I promise that I’ll keep sharing the love for as long as I can 🙂

  11. My current method is that I have “teams.” The A-Team consists of people I know I can trust, that I can be honest and real with. They know my flaws and fears and foibles and they love me. The B-Team contains people whose company I generally enjoy, but I hold back in some areas (for example, they think being a spiritual person is weird, or they gossip a lot so they can’t be trusted with private information). I might genuinely like them and seek their company, but I know I’ve got to tailor what I talk about accordingly. The rest fall somewhere between “I might go for coffee with them if I’m in the mood” and “walk down another grocery aisle to avoid.” New people are automatically B-Team unless or until experience tells me they need to be moved.

    In case you’re wondering, I’ve been told I’m hard to get to know. 🙂 But I’ve met too many wolves in sheep’s clothing (as it were) and women can be particularly vicious. I’ve spent too many years wasting energy on people whose sole purpose for interaction is to demonstrate their self-proclaimed superiority and who don’t care if they hurt or insult others in the process. Now I smile politely, wish them well, and walk on by.

    • Good stuff, Maria! Your “A-Team” and “B-Team” concept is similar to the VIP post that I wrote about a little while ago. I hear you about not wasting any more time on people who make a habit of hurting others. Like you said, wish them well and walk on by 🙂

  12. Shola, you are a deep, emotionally intelligent, beautiful soul!
    Your positive energy is a gift to the world!
    Keep it coming!

    • Liz my friend, you are so sweet to say that! I promise that I’ll keep the positivity coming as long as you promise to stick around, ok? Thanks for very nice comment, you just made my day 🙂

  13. Hey Shola! Ironically, I was unfriended (from social media and life, too, I guess) by someone arising out of a comment conversation when I shared this post on FB! “Too positive.” LOL Party on!

    • Party on indeed, Betsy! Like they say, “let the haters hate.” If being “too positive” is the issue, then by all means keep giving them more of what they hate!

  14. Two things I do : Ignore and Smile more. 🙂 🙂

  15. Dear Shola,
    I found your article when I did a Google search about toxic people and haters. I am so glad this is the article I was most drawn to. You helped my mindset in ways I desperately needed. I was always of the belief that we are in the world together so we need to lift each other up and support each other. I have been on the receiving end of some horrible antics from a family member and couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. Every time I achieved anything (great or tiny) she would find a way to belittle me and try to take my pride. She competes with every single thing I do. (Work, school, family, sports) she tries to find any way she can to be ” better” than me. This is a foreign concept to me. I am a firm believer in encouragement and positive Reinforcement. Thank you for helping me see that she is hurting and insecure about her own life and that I can continue to shine. She succeeded for a short time in dimming my light but now I’m ready to shine again. Thank you so much Shola. You made a difference in my life

  16. Thank you very much for this article, it really helped me deal with haters. Recently, I took a class at a different university and the whole atmosphere there is different. I really like to participate and do my best in that class and I have been met by haters that told me I should stay at home and take care of children (which is their view on women position in society). They started criticizing my class involvement.
    Instead of being down by those comments, I choose to center this energy as a drive to make me want to succeed even better.
    I do not mind their comments but I do not want to be negatively affected by them.
    Also, I really connect with you when you said you were criticized by being too positive, which is something even my ”closest” friends do. I do not believe I am too positive or ”unrealistic” I just choose to view the things in the light I want to.
    I feel like in our society, it is hard to maintain our self-worth (confidence) because I always have to re-balance it?

  17. Earthy grounded positivity that doesn’t deny the negativity…. Can’t ask for more. Brilliant! Thank you! What u write keeps echoing in me during my day. Great gift you are spreading across the Atlantic! Pacific too 😉 all the best, let the haters takes the rest….

  18. Belinda says:

    You are so insightful. Very happy I found your blog. Keep up the great work.
    Best, Belinda

  19. A. Light says:

    Dear Friends
    Shola has written an excellent guide for people. There is hope and help for those who suffer. These are some of the books I use alongside Shola’s most helpful book:
    1. Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends by Izzy Kalman
    Please see http://www.amazon.com/Bullies-Buddies-Turn-Enemies-Friends/dp/0970648219

    2. Love is Greater than Hate: the Ultimate Strategy to End Bullying by Brooks Gibbs http://www.amazon.com/Love-Greater-Than-Brooks-Gibbs/dp/0615355706/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1436127266&sr=1-1&keywords=love+is+greater+than+hate

    3. Living with Difficult People by Miriam Adahan
    http://www.amazon.com/Living-Difficult-People-Including-Yourself/dp/0873065182/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1436127420&sr=1-1&keywords=living+with+difficult+people+miriam

    Good to be in touch with good people!

    With all good wishes
    A. Light

  20. Soul Bitch says:

    I like YOU. Such awesome insight. I am still not blogging partly because of fears like this but then some others too. My VIP list is mainly one friend in my life who I can be completely open with. From there, I have VIPs depending on the subject. I fit in everywhere and fit in nowhere sort of thing. It will be interesting to see how I pull it all together in a blog (or maybe two), aimed at positive activism, creativity, and leadership. Even just writing it out here gives me butterflies.
    Thank you for the inspiration and a little chance to express myself. It literally fills me with a shot of joy whenever I come across a person who is authentic.
    P.s. You said asshat. bwahahahaha I love it. To me, words are all about intention. Some of the most awful things in the world have been said and done by people who were “proper” and “nice.”

  21. As much as I have on my TDL, I had to take the time to thank you for being you and creating this awesome piece. It addressed every. Little. Thing. Bothering me rn. Exhilarated to know I’m not alone. As the saying goes “you weren’t meant to fit in if you were born to stand out.” Sometimes all we need is a bit of backup. My thing is, sometimes the amount of silent haters rather than VIPs can be deafening. Then I realize most of it is in my mind and where I place my time. Not going to give the satisfaction of considering by burying myself in positivity! Your inspiration is appreciated.

    Love
    M

  22. Some great stuff in here Shola! Found you through this post. Got some negative hurt people trying to tear me and my work down. I love your idea of simply doing more of what they hate. Gonna do exactly that! Keep rocking man.

  23. Thank you.
    Just made a bad day a little bit better. Great advise I can carry with me when I go back to work.

    Cheers

    Jeff

  24. I am also new to your blog, as I was also searching for information on how to effectively deal with these hating a** toxic people! I love this blog and you should continue writing because it is very helpful to a lot of people! I have wondered throughout my life why so many people disliked me? I couldn’t figure it out. When I have always been as nice and helpful as I could be. What I eventually did was said screw them and started focusing on me and my vip’s. To tell you the truth this approach really works! I have discovered that these people are unhappy, lonely or just plain ugly! and wish they could have your happiness. That’s what it really is.

  25. I too have many haters have taken down an entire blog because of a destructive extended family.

    I didn’t actually name them but describing their destructive and hateful behaviour AND HOW I OVERCOME IT actually upset them that much to actually call my hubby and explain their very bizarre take of it.

    I don’t care what haters think anymore- as Tay Tay tells us SHAKE IT OFF!

  26. I just discovered your blog but I already love it to death. This post was exactly what I needed to be more willing to put myself out there and further my writing. Thank you for being you.

  27. Lovely

  28. I am a positive person, but my hater is my sister who my parents and I have helped during her marriage and raising her children. Her husband went to jail for white collar crime. She did not go to work and everyone sent her money. She finally did go to work, and I was always there for her even though her husband had affairs. She remained with him. When my father was approaching death, he said, “Your sister doesn’t love you.” It was very difficult for him to tell me this but very important. She took things from me. Then she told terrible stories about me. Horrible stories – tried to turn her sons against me. She tried to turn my own Mother against me, but that worked against her. At the time of both of my parents’ deaths, her relationship with them was very bad. Now I have tried to call her but she will usually start yelling at me for no logical reason. The last time I called she called me the devil because although I had forgiven them, I needed to work with them to rebuild trust to have a relationship. Her son is still not friendly with me because of something horrible she claimed I did but was supposed to tell him that I didn’t do. I believe in being positive and know that she is my sister, but I am much healthier when I have I no contact with someone who I believe to have problems which have nothing to do with me. The hatred she had for her husband was transferred to her son for several years and then it was transferred to me.

  29. Hi Shola,
    Thank you for such an inspiring post.

    We need lots more of it.
    Mel 🙂

  30. Hey Shola, I just wanted to say I loved your blog post and it’s actually my second time reading it. Sometimes the hurt and anger is just too much for my heart to bear, especially when I don’t understand why something so insulting was said (destructive criticism like you said, despite my efforts to change in the past). Reading a couple guides helped,but , still didn’t erase much of the hurt. When I read your blog though, I was reminded why exactly the hate from others happens, and somehow the explanations really help calm me down. It’s like you addressed the emotions at the core, which is really important to “how to fix it”. Thank you for sharing, and I hope I can practice more of what you said, doing more of what I love, and they hate. I hope you have a blessed day and keep writing. Don’t believe the haters, especially the racist ones. Completely uncalled for.

  31. Hi Shola
    This is how i’ve felt since school and now as an adult i often wonder why i let haters hate me for the person i’m not (the front i show them) rather than the real me and my real talents.
    This post just sums me up and i just can’t push myself enough to do one of the things that makes me happy because i’m to scared of being judged!
    Baffling!

  32. Well thanks for your ideas, especially the idea about “do more of what they hate.” I realized that fact after living in hell for more than 10 years. I have been hated almost by my father, my family, most of my friends, I did not do anything to hurt them but to be successful in my business.

    Haters try to STOP you by all means, whether by words or by set of dirty deeds and actions. As you have said “Doing more of what they hate” KILLS them.

    I had a hater who tried to ruin my business by all means, after I achieved something great in my business, he had an ulcer…literally had an ulcer. You don’t need to argue with them or fight. The worst thing you can do to them is cut your relationship with them and do more of what they hate.

    Great post, thanks for ideas and sorry for prolixity.

  33. Hey Shola, you have some really good views on dealing with haters. Thanks very much for sharing.

    However, I think they are useful in dealing with only a certain type of haters. As a kid, I was very different from the rest of my classmates. I used to live in my own world of books and mathematics. This drew a lot of hatred from my fellow classmates. I tried my best to keep being me and letting them make fun of me, but it was emotionally scarring. Anyway, my point is when I stopped responding to these haters, I was often bullied physically, which I think was an attempt on their side to incite my anger. How do you suggest people deal with these types of haters, who just wouldn’t give up? Would love to hear your opinion. Thanks.

  34. Your comments have cheered me up after having had to move because of a horrible hater neighbour. I have been traumatised by the horrible names he has called me over a trivial thing he thinks we did but we did not and he would not see reason. He has no life whereas I work and have a wonderful husband and supportive friends. So I shall concentrate on them and try to forget the neighbour and if I happen to dee him in the street I shall smile and wave widh me luck!

  35. Thank you so much.
    I struggle to stay focused on the road.
    Judgments and criticisms especially from family who don’t always have my best interests at heart, can still hurt me for a long time.
    I got a lot of support from your article.

  36. positive polly says:

    Thank you!! Much needed. You’re right. Haters gonna hate. Thank you for the words of wisdom. Keep your chin up…no act of kindness no matter how small, is ever wasted.
    😀

  37. Yenny Polanco says:

    You are so right! You are very good at speaking your mind and from the heart! Your published experiences help many! Thank you!

  38. Hello, Shola. This is my first time reading anything from your blog, and I really enjoyed it. Before searching “dealing with haters” on Google, I was having a nice night and had had TONS of good feedback on a social media post I’d put up earlier, only to have my communal high torn down in seconds by someone who did have a point (sort of) that they could’ve brought up constructively, but instead chose to be a sarcastic, snarky, high-and-mighty– as you said it– asshat lol That ONE person was able to crush the positive impact almost a hundred others had had on me prior. It ruined my mood and honestly made me feel sick with embarrassment (I’m an introvert, and this was one of the rare times I posted an opinion because of my fear of getting jerky replies, of which there will almost always be at least one), even though I knew she was the person crashing everyone’s conversation coming in with hate as a motive instead of commenting in the interest of reciprocal contribution. It took all I had not to fire back, but I just flatly thanked her for weighing-in and said everyone is entitled to their opinion, which she herself had (kind of) stated earlier, even though “everyone” doesn’t apparently include me. Honestly, I searched for ways to deal with haters because I was trying to decide what method to go with– (1) respectful but blunt statement or (2) forceful, but truthful retaliation. I’m still not sure if I made the “right” choice, but I just wanted to say this article helped me feel a lot better about it either way. I’m still a little upset, but I’m trying to focus on the VIPs and the good stuff around me instead of this angry person connected to me only as another citizen of the Internet, and I’m not going to let it stop me from posting again. Good luck to your on your positive journey– Thanks again!

  39. Sharine Sanders says:

    Hello, I just came across your site & the things you have said on here hit home big time. I’m actually dealing with a couple that keeps harassing me. Though this isn’t about a blog but it still just doesn’t make sense for grown a** people to bully people. The couple just passes by me & look at me. I’m being stalked. I don’t want the guy so he stalks me every where. His wife who is pregnant is also involved which I don’t get. I told her in the past on FB that I don’t want her man. They’re throwing hate me & trying to screw with my head. I don’t care about them & I have nothing to do with them but for some reason, they won’t stop. I’m taking legal action now. It just sucks cuz they’re trying to show off their relationship & trying to hurt me. I’ve been bullied my whole life & I still can’t believe I’m still being bullied. I don’t bother anyone. I just want them to leave me alone & go away. They have a life together with two of her kids & one one the way which she tried to show off to me. I’ve been going through this for 3 1/2 yrs. I can’t believe they’re still doing this. They’re in their 30’s. I’m in my 40’s. Why can’t they just leave me alone. I’m trying to live my life. I don’t care at all about their lives. It doesn’t hurt me about them two being together at all. I mean come on, 3 in a half yrs?? Really!! They never say anything, just pass by slowly & sometimes smiling at me . They would just sit in the vehicle & pass by me slowly, I would just ignore them. Enough is enough. I know it’s their issues cuz she don’t trust her man which I don’t want at all. She’s been with him forever. He wants what he can’t have so he’s trying to torture me. He’s obviously a dog & I don’t deal with guys like that. I don’t want him. He’s taken & he’s a jerk. Anyway, I just wanted to share my story because I just don’t get why I seem to attract mean spirited people. It’s like every time I could be going out with my friends or dating, they all start tripping & stalking. They actually wait till I step out of my house then pass me so I could see them. She even does it with her girlfriends. Even on the holidays. They don’t even know me. It’s like I can’t have a life & enjoy myself. God forbid. It’s all about their life which I don’t care about. Anyway, though I’m taking legal action, it hurts like hell cuz I’m by myself going through this & no one cares like my family & friends period. They don’t believe me & it’s all about them period. Why would I make something like this up? They’re trying to get my attention & hurt me. Sorry that this is long, I just need to hear something positive. I’m keeping my head up but struggling: (. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this. I do want to start my own blog on stalking/harassment because this is serious & it needs to be taken seriously. Can u also give me advice on how I can start my blog? Thanks !!

  40. I have dealt with haters aka bullies in the work place my entire career. It’s so unfair because all I ever wanted to do is be a productive employee and be valued. That never happened. In my new job it’s starting to happen and I know it’s because I’m working with predominantly female co-workers and all though I’m a few years older I look 10 years younger, I’m happy always smiling, take care of my self, take pride in my appearance and stride to always look beautiful. That’s just who I am and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not seeking attention or approval or friendship. I just value and love myself. And haters will hate you for being you and that’s okay. I have learned that I really don’t care anymore what people think about me. I realize like you said that you have to continue doing what they hate because you are obviously doing something right. After experiencing the tragic loss of my mom I realized how important it is for me to find happiness and positivity in life because that’s what’s important. happiness is key and keeping it in your life is a must. So I no longer waist energy and time on haters like I used to. I vent but then I let it go. And everytime I deal with a hater I remind myself that they are miserable and I’m happy and beautiful which is why they become aggravated with me without reason.

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